On (Not) Going to Baby Showers

In the past I’ve talked a big game about turning down baby shower invitations, but the truth is I always go. In the beginning I hadn’t quite begun to think of myself as infertile—just unlucky—and so I went. As our reproductive outlook got bleaker, it seemed like bad karma not to go. So, I went. And I usually knitted gifts to boot (reinforcing the karmic maternal instinct).

But times change, and I’m about to decline my first baby shower invitation. Screw karma. I feel okay about this decision. I like the mom-to-be a bunch, but she is not a particularly close friend. She happens to know about our infertility struggles completely accidentally—she overheard someone asking me how my first injection had gone—and though she has been nothing but kind in announcing her pregnancy to me, I can’t help but see that kindness as pity so it chafes me. (I know this isn’t fair to her; it’s just the way it is.)

Add to this that the host of the shower is particularly abrasive, recently advising shower invitees to be sure to buy off the registry because when she had her own baby, people didn’t do that, and she wound up having to spend nearly $500 of her own money getting ready for the baby. Poor girl. Of course, if I got a baby for every $500 I spent getting ready—by which I mean pumping myself full of fertility drugs in a vain attempt to conceive—I’d have 17 children right now. So, um, yeah.

I’ll still send a gift, and it will be hand-knit (although I’ve opted for a relatively painless hat instead of the more ambitious blanket I had originally planned). I wish the mom good things, of course, but I think everyone will have a better time without worrying about the infertile girl weeping softly in the corner. Especially the infertile girl.

Comments

[JulieB]

For several reasons, good call on not going to the shower.
Beautiful hat! I'm impressed. :)

[Lola]

I stopped going to baby showers a while ago, because they are just too painful for me to attend. I don't even feel guilty about blowing them off any more. I look at it this way, if it isn't a very close friend they won't even miss me, and if it is a good friend they will understand (or at least try to understand) that it's better if I stay home. I still send the obligatory gift in my place, although recently I've been making my husband purchase and send the gift for me/us.

Besides you've already gone through enough crap dealing with infertility, the last thing you need is to volunteer for a needlessly uncomfortable and painful experience. (By the way, I'm really impressed that your making something for the shower, that's pretty cool. I wish I could be that creative.)

[Dee]

Good for you, Brooklyn Girl.

I know I, for one, don't want to worry about the possibility of you off weeping softly in the corner anywhere. Nor should you have to.

I think you're doing what's best for you and that takes courage. Sending such a personalized gift (even if, oh the horror, it's not something off the registry--dumb ass hostess) just shows how great you are.

[wavery]

The host of the shower sounds like a reason not to go in and of herself. Handknit gifts are a great step around. You're putting in plenty of effort and I doubt the mom to be will overlook that.

[Kristine]

I also give big kudos to a handmade baby gift- it definitely is much more meaningful than some burp cloths off the registry.
And I fully support your decision to pass on the invite-- as should the mom-to-be.
When's school start?

[Anna H.]

I don't have much to add except good for you for not going -- take care of _you_. You've already been through the ringer and there will be plenty of other folks to take over the fussing over mother-to-be duties.

You are very sweet to make knitted gifts, though -- you're a good friend...

xxoo

[Emily]

Do not ever feel the need to apologize for not going. I think that handmade gift is a very lovely, touching sentiment.

[Anne]

Good on you for not going the host of the party sounds horrid, and the hat ... very precious I’m sure the new mom will love it.

[Menita]

Sounds like an excellent plan, and the hat: I'd rather have soemthing someone made with their own hands, investing their time, care and skill. A very lovely gift.

[Brooklyn Mama]

Good for you. Long before we adopted Ping, I decided not to go to one of my best friend's baby showers - it happened right in the worst of my worst times. No regrets. I sent a (not handmade) gift and called it a day. Protect your heart.

[Moogielou]

I recently declined to attend my sister-in-law's shower (not to mention declining an offer to make the shower favors...not sure which idiot figured I'd be up for that!!). I initially was so worried what she and her family would think of me but then decided to stop giving a shit!!

Sounds like you are doing what is best for you...I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.

[Danae]

I'm not going to my own sister's baby shower. She'll get over it. You just do what you gotta do.
And about the knitting...I'm extremely jealous of your knitting skills. I've tried to teach myself, but all I ever end up with is a very small rectangle. I guess my tiny rectangles would make nice Barbie scarves, but that's about it. Could you teach me? Please?!

[Tertia]

Don't go, I don't.

[Monica]

Good for you. Take care of yourself first.

[jen]

Ah, now I see why I have a bunch of links from your site in my stats. Heh. But seriously, that hat's a breeze to knit up and definitely a more-than-adequate substitute for giving the shower a pass. I don't blame you one bit. (And I hate when people are tacky about gift-giving. It's not a LAW, you know.)

[Pazel]

The host actually complained about having to spend $500 to get ready for her own baby? Tacky, tacky, tacky. And very selfish too.

I kept everything that was hand knitted for Janie. Almost everything else got eventually passed along to someone else. I couldn't pass these along because they were specially made for her with love. I think your gift is precious, and don't worry about not going. The games are horrible anyways, and it gets tough saying "cute" 100 times in one day.

When I threw my friend's shower, I had an alcoholic sangria punch and a non-alcoholic lemonade. The sangria punch bowl was empty by the end. Unfortunately, that's the only shower I've been to with alcohol. Otherwise they could be a little more palatable.

[Karen]

I NEVER go to baby showers. It's like a caveat to being my friend: I'll be your friend, but I won't go to your baby shower. Sorry.

i doubt it'll change when i have a baby through adoption. I'm just too weak, i guess.
beautiful hat!

*smooch*

[dana]

good for you! showers are so out of control. the last one I was invited to was in the mothers new 700K dollar new home i.e. she basically threw it for herself to show the place off, adn her registry was all like a $100 blanket, baby einstein etc., I thought a shower was to help you get going?

beautiful gift idea!

[Sandy]

I needed to read your post today...thanks. I've just struggled through the unexpected pregnancy of a good friend who didn't even admit she was pregnant until she was well into her sixth month, and then wasn't sure how she felt about the whole deal. She and the baby's dad are not even really a couple ... just "friends". Anyhow, she's had her beautiful baby boy now, and the girls I run with are hosting a shower for her. I had replied saying I would attend, but my heart isn't in it. You've given me the courage to retract my reply. Now I just have to find someone to knit something for me to send along........

[Nina]

Don't feel bad about not going. I stopped going to baby showers about a year ago. Take care of yourself. Your gift idea is wonderful!

[kath]

I have never been to a baby shower and seeing as I show just about no interest in others pregnancies I dont get invited to them anymore. My two close friends didnt have a baby shower. Good on em! I have knitted booties for just about everyone and posted them after the birth.

[edie]

I just think the concept of baby showers is tacky to begin with. Same for bridal showers. They both serve no purpose other than "GIVE ME GIFTS!" If someone wants to give you a gift for either your marriage or your baby, of course they should do so ... but they shouldn't feel guilt-tripped into it because you sent them an invitation. (And for a wedding, a fun bachelorette party with no expectation of a gift other than a silly thong is a much better time with your friends)

I didn't have a bridal shower, and I have no intention of having a baby shower when/if/ever that time comes. Luckily most of my pals who've recently gotten hitched or who've had kids have skipped the showers too. I know we're just a drop in the bucket in the whole Shower Industry Inc., but maybe our generation can be the first to slowly get rid of these tacky traditions.

[Laura]

Glad you made the decision not to go. Cannot believe the comment made by hostess.World's most tacky comment. Perhaps she should have done the budget for raising a child before she got pregnant? $500? At that rate I have paid for 140 children! Ha!

[Joanne]

Good for you, BG, for being kind to yourself. You're wonderful for knitting a beautiful little hat -- I think that's worth plenty of good karma.

[Moxie]

Here's something no one else has pointed out: You don't have to give a reason for not going to the shower. It's not like the honoree is going to think "Oh, no--Lisa isn't here because she can't handle a shower--what a bitch!" She'll notice you weren't there and think, "Oh, too bad she couldn't come" and assume there was some reason you couldn't come (out of town, forced to have a meal with your in-laws, studying for finals, running a marathon, etc.). Then when she gets your gift in the mail she'll be extra-surprised and think about how thoughtful you were to send something when you couldn't make it to the shower. Really, not going to the shower is a win-win for you *and* the pregnant lady (and the hostess can just go fuck herself).