The Dream of a Common Language

As predicted, The Boy has become an A at school drop off.  I have been going in with him to read stories or get him started playing with trains, and he usually dismisses me with a "Bye Mom!" and a wave, but the last few times, his eyes have gotten wet as soon as I make noises about leaving.  Once those fat tears start rolling down his cheeks, I am utterly powerless.  They're toddler kryptonite.

Looking for a little support, I called my mother to mention this new development.  "You're just an old softie" she said and started talking about the weather.

Almost all of my parenting discussions with my mother have wound up like this (here's another example):  I bring up a topic  expecting some sort of commiseration (after all, she raised two kids), but I get nothing back.  Maybe less than nothing. 

The sad truth is that my mother remains a cypher to me:  I thought parenting might give us a common language, but it hasn't.  Instead of feeling bonded in the experience of motherhood, I find myself feeling even more distant. 

When she dropped us off at pre-school, did we cry?  Did she?  Was she relieved to have a few hours of relative peace?  Did she spend the time watching the clock waiting to pick us up?  These questions  feel unwelcome.

When the time comes, will I be more forthcoming with my children?

Comments

[Menita]

Yes, you will be.
Our becoming parents won't make our mothers better people. It just reinforces the good that is in us.

[Cat, Galloping]

I find that even the stuff about having an infant is already such a distant memory for me. All the minutia of that age, all the stuff that seemed so important, I can barely relate to anymore. And it's been less than two years! Maybe when it's been 30+, she just really can't remember?

[Julie]

Oof. This hits hard. When I learned about my mother's four miscarriages, I asked her how come she never talked about them. "I suppose," she said, not looking at me, "I never thought they were anyone else's business."

Ouch.

But I think the preceding cat has a point. My mother swears she can't remember anything about our childhood -- milestones, strategies, and such -- and I tend to believe her just based on my own short experience.

That said, it doesn't sound like your mother is encouraging any kind of bond based on shared motherhood, and that sounds hard and sad and disappointing.

[Peach]

As I was so told by my mother when asking similar questions, that it is private and none of my business. Much like Julie said, but this was about more than just miscarriages - this was about everything.

Upon reflection, I've been told by more forthcoming people of my mother's age that some poeple were raised to NOT talk about things, and that's what they've come to believe, so they don't, and get offended when you ask about them.

When I tried to compromise with my mother so we could maintain a semblance of a relationship as adults, she refused to treat me as an adult and didn't understand why I couldn't accept that.

So, I've not spoken to my mother in about a year now. It hurts me, but it's better for me.

[electriclady]

This has been a tough thing for me--realizing that just because I'm a mother now doesn't change who MY mother is. It won't make her any better at empathizing (her, dismissively when I was crying to her about my breastfeeding struggles: "Oh, it'll be fine"), it won't make her less judgmental, it won't make her any more capable of giving me what I need emotionally. That's sad, but I have to learn to live with it.

[jennifer]

I've had the same responses from my mom, too, but here's an example from my brother: When my younger brother got divorced, I said to my mom, "Well, you can probably share with him some advice about how to deal with it." She looked at me like I was crazy until I reminded her that she has divorced twice and might have some experience in this field?

[Julie M]

Wanted to stop by and say hi. We're going through the 4 month sleep regression/developmental leap thing with Tyler around here and it's killing me. James is also fighting (yet still needing) naps. I'm not in the most optimistic moods right now, so I sympathize with your angst! On the wow! front--Tyler is 20 freaking pounds and 0 ounces--not even on the growth chart. He's huge and I can barely carry him around. Good luck and I hope things with 2 improve soon!

[Toni]

Yes you will be. B/c as much as we fear becoming like them - we never will. It's that nice to know :)

[michelle]

hi there. i've always had a close relationship with my mother, who is nothing short of incredible. i named my miracle baby (three rounds of IVF) after her. we have only become closer since i've become a mother, my mom hanging on every detail during updates, encouraging me every step. for her though parenting in the 50s was a HUGELY different ball game. all the strategies were different (always let them cio, no pacifiers ever, don't come to them when they cry or they'll be spoiled, no breast feeding, keep them contained in play pens and on and on). she is ok with fact that she "didn't know better" and went with status quo tho in retrospect likely not the best parenting style. ANYWAY, my point is that some moms may feel defensive/embarrassed and/or guilty that they did things completely different, and are just a bit sad and regretful about it, after seeing how times have changed...that it's ok to be more baby-centric, if you will, so don't like to talk much about how they did it. just a theory. perhaps if they knew for sure they wouldn't be judged they'd be more open. (not saying you would judge, but if you let them know you wouldn't, might help.) also, could be that not having parented in this modern style, they just don't feel "qualified" to weigh in on what you're doing now. of/c i understand it's still a bit sad that some moms of moms can't seem to share even the simplest of anecdotes and such...but anyway, just my thoughts on the topic...

[marie-baguettte]

my mum just came to visit me and things were just so different a generation ago. She raised 3 kids (born in 72, 74 and 81). No epidural back then, no constant monitoring of the baby, and, like another commenter said CIO (my son was crying and my mum said "babies just cry, that's what they do". It took me a while but I understood that my baby is crying because of my overactive letdown. Babies cry for a reason!). She told me that she fed us every 3 hours and would let us cry. Breastfeeding was discouraged back then too. She was also advised to have us sleep on alternative sides (which is a big no-no nowadays). She is cool with those differences because she knows parenting methods keep changing.