Settling In

Okay, I’m just going to jump back in here, and let you know that things are better.

Here are some things that are good:

• The Boy is in pre-school
• We’ve found a babysitter
• The playground near our house is lovely
• People have been incredibly kind.  It’s rare that a day goes by without someone giving me their phone number/email address when I mention that I’ve just moved here.

 

The bad:

Well, this is harder to put in bullet form.  As I mentioned above, the kindness of strangers has been overwhelming, but so has the gulf that separates me from most of the people who live here.  This is a wealthy town--something I knew before we moved here--but the magnitude of that wealth has been pretty shocking.  For instance, the house next to us is for sale for $1.6 million.  Our shabby little rental house is, well, a shabby little rental house.   Everyone drives a fancy car.  The preferred rainy weather attire is Burberry.

Now, these are not things that matter to me.  I would not feel comfortable in a $1.6 million house or a fancy car (okay, I do think those Burberry trench coats are pretty fetching), and I haven't really seen anyone turning up their nose at our house or our car, but I find myself turning up my nose at everyone else: Oh, she drives a Lexus SUV, she can't possibly want to be my friend.

There are other differences, but this is the one I'm struggling with the most--shallow though it may be.

 

Comments

[cat, galloping]

I would struggle with the same thing. And whenever I go shopping in the fancier towns I'm almost afraid to admit that I live in the less prestigious neighboring town.

My sister also lives in an extremely wealthy town. At a party once, she turned to one side and people are talking about the house they are building on the Riviera. Then she turned to the other side and the guy was talking about having just flown in on his private jet from golfing in NC. She has a perfectly nice house, but it's not a fraction of the size of many of her friends'. But ALL of her friends have tons more money and it hasn't stopped them from being her friends. (Though they are a little confused about why she went back to work! Haha!)

Anyway, I think that some people will, without question, look down on you, but others will not be bothered. The real trick is figuring out which are which, and I'll bet you can't judge that by *their* appearances!

[Emmie (Better Make It A Double)]

I so get this - class issues are hard to talk about, and easier to ignore if you're the one with all the money. Our boys are at a preschool in a very upscale part of town. They have a partial scholarship to be there, and are the only kids from our much more working class part of town. Everyone has been extremely nice and welcoming, and we adore the school, but it's still complicated. I guess I'm grateful that no-one acts like it matters, but the perspective and assumptions of people with money are still pretty different than my own. Happy for you about the more tangible good stuff, though!

[Perfectly Disgraceful]

I've had similar experience as our older kid happened to end up at a pre-school that attracted wealthy families and is now at an expensive private elementary school. I have class issues, I admit it. To deal with them I try to be upfront in telling people that we get a lot of financial aid at the current school. I want the other families to know that not everyone is in their financial situation.

The thing that helps me the most? Is being happy with the life we have chosen. While I doubt we could have chosen to be really wealthy, we could probably be making a good deal more money if we were willing to be less happy. We chose the median income and happiness. Granted, the median income goes a lot farther in Philly than in the 'burbs of NYC, but still. We have a good life, an interesting life, and we get to spend a lot of time with our kids.

Wearing cute shoes is also very helpful in these situations.

[Boulder]

Look, woman who move regularly face this issue. Though I don't have kids, I have moved over 8 times in the years I've been married to my husband, and quite a few times before meeting him.

The key to meeting new friends is to be authentic, to be open to the experience, and to be friendly, yet not quite desperate when someone you don't know comes by. Don't project your preconceived notions outward if you can help it, at least until you've met a person a few times.

That burberry may have been a knock off picked up by her husband in HK, or the Lexus may be leased within a penny of its life. The house may be purchased with a long gone trust fund. The husband may be an alcoholic/workoholic who is never home. There can be all kinds of reasons why a woman in your new neighborhood might want to find a friend who isn't part of her current social circle so that she can simple exist without worrying about the pretense.

Give yourself and them a chance - I still surprised by the friends I have from places I never thought I'd find something in common with the women in the neighborhood

Good luck - I feel your pain!

[Julie]

Glad to hear you have handled your move to the 'burbs tolerably well. The "good things" certainly seem to be outweighing the negative ones. Hope it continues to keep getting better and better. Just keep thinking of all the room you will have to celebrate the holidays with the kiddos. :)

[anita]

I just gotta say that I love Boulder's answer and I second it!

[caramama]

I'm glad to hear the good things, which seem very good! I think the bad thing is really just something you will adjust to. People with money have most of the same problems and issues as the rest of us. Maybe not some of the struggles which can be solved with money, but the same emotional issues with confidence and lack of connection with others and worry about what people think. I find it easiest just to ignore the type of car and clothes and the size of the houses.

It sounds simplicitic, but for me, I just pretend we are all in the same class. When things are obviously different, I try to speak up about issues with not having money and help educate those who don't have that experience.

I hope that makes sense. Either way, it's great that everyone is so friendly!