Silly, Ironic, Terrible

I had the best of intentions when the new year began.  I was going to blog early and often.  I was going to update my look and my links.  I was going to COMMUNICATE.

But then, well, then I sank into a funk.  The Boy hit 3.5 years with a vengeance and though Moxie and Ames & Ilg assure me his vicissitudes are normal, they are soul crushing and exhausting.  Earlier this week, when he wouldn’t leave the sledding hill (after much sturm and drang), I threatened to throw his sled into the street to be destroyed by oncoming traffic.  It was a parenting high point.

I feel like a huge flop as a mother in almost every interaction with The Boy, and I’m so angsty about that that I don’t spend nearly enough Quality Time with The Girl who is growing up adorably and all too quickly.  And I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I find myself longing, incredibly, for another child.  It’s unspeakable, really.  I feel like I’m barely capable of managing the children I have, and yet there I am daydreaming about another.

This cauldron of emotions is difficult to blog through when combined with this other (incredibly obvious) thing: I’m just not BrooklynGirl anymore.  I’m not living in Brooklyn.  With less than a year to go to my fortieth birthday, it's absurd to refer to myself as a girl.

I am thankful for the refuge this blog and this identity has provided me in the five years (!) that it has existed, but I think it’s time to close up shop.  I plan to resurrect myself as soon as I can figure out who I am.  Or what I want to be.  Or how to write about that journey.

Thanks for your friendship and support.  I’ll post a new URL here when I have one, and I hope you'll stay in touch.

In Those Years

In those years, people will say we lost track

of the meaning of we, of you

we found ourselves 

reduced to I

and the whole thing became

silly, ironic, terrible:

we were trying to live a personal life

and, yes, that was the only life

we could bear witness to

But the great dark birds of history screamed and plunged

into our personal weather

They were headed somewhere else but their beaks and pinions drove

along the shore, through rages of fog

where we stood, saying I

~ Adrienne Rich

Comments

[snickollet]

Oh, non-Brooklyn non-Girl, do let us know where to find you!

I love that you used the expression "sturm and drang" to describe The Boy's fit on the sledding hill. I think next time Riley pitches a fit, I'll have to say, "Enough sturm and drang from you, already!" It will keep me amused rather than angry, I hope.

Sending many warm thoughts for your metaphysical journey.

[DD]

As someone who referred to themselves as a former super model, I know sometimes there's a struggle to "keep it real" but to take advantage of a virtual fantasy world, if you will.

I won't think of it as a resurrection. It's an evolution, a growth, and that's always a good thing.

[Dee]

I've had a lot of parenting high points in the past 7 months myself (since J turned 3). Now that we're coming up on 4, it's easing up some but we still have our days. I'd like to think there's a light at the end of the tunnel but I know there will be another tunnel to go through again soon enough. Such is parenting, yes?

I've had a lot of similar thoughts as you lately (just, you know, without the "Brooklyn" thing 'cause I'm in a different part of the country, lol) and the longing for another? It's there, oh yes, it is. What am I thinking? But thinking I am, acting on it I am not. Life is a tricky ride to figure out.

Keep your chin up--you're doing the best you can. It's been a joy and pleasure sharing this 'trip' with you lo these past 5 (!) years...I'll follow along wherever you go and, hey, we've still got facebook :-)

[susie]

I will miss you!

[Jill]

Oh yes, let us know where you land!

[Monica]

When H was 3.5, I often stayed in the house for days at a time because I just couldn't deal with the inevitable public tantrums. It's a very difficult age. Now that he's 4, things are much easier (not easy, of course, but easier). I think you'll get some of your mojo back in the next few months. I'm sad to see BrooklynGirl go, but I look forward to your new blog. Will you consider twitter in the meantime???

[Courtney]

I'll miss you and your blog.

[Erin]

I'll miss you here but be waiting eagerly for your new URL. There are days when I feel like I'm barely managing my two and yet can follow that up with a discussion about when we'll start our next adoption without a second thought. (If I think about it for a second, I realize how insane we are.) So I completely get it. Lots of virtual support from Atlanta!

[spoiledonlychild]

I too have a 3.5 year old, and it truly is soul crushing. What you mentioned sounds exactly like my experience right now. I'm angry with her most of the time, and I often feel that she is evil and malicious. She refuses to do anything I ask without a huge fight, and then does fun stuff like pulling my hair, cutting my clothes with scissors... you get the point. Know you are not alone.

[persephone]

My, I'll miss you. Come back SOON.

[electriclady]

I'll miss you here but will follow you wherever you land. And you'll always be BrooklynGirl to me. :)

[Cat]

Gah! Just like that! Aside from the fact that you drive a certain amount of traffic to my site, you are someone who defined infertility and parenting blogworld for me. It won't be the same without you.

3 is tough over at our place these days as well. The raging, the storming. You're not alone and I've had plenty of immature reactions to it myself.

Let us know where you end up, and promise to end up somewhere!

Book club at my house next month if you are interested...

[jen]

I just have one 2-yr-old and I often feel like a giant flop. I've mostly lurked here, but I have really appreciated your honesty and wit. (and the excellent poetry selections.) please do let us know when you feel like blogging again.

[Sarah]

Oh No! I understand, but I'll miss you. Please keep me informed of your new digs.
Thank you for all of the support you've given me over the last year. A lot of infertilies can't bear to look back and connect with those of us still in struggle. Take care.

[Amy]

You will be missed my BrooklynGirl ... please stay in touch. Alyssa & Madison are closing in on 3.5 and trust me, you are NOT alone ... Hurry back in whatever incarnation you choose, but just hurry ... ((Hugs))

[Jk]

I look forward to being with you on this journey. I so enjoy your blog and writing.

I'll be 40 in a few weeks so .....

Come visit me if you want....I need to do a post on my identity crisis.... Sometimes people say they can't tell I am having one, but I am. :-) (Have been for a couple of years now.)

[taquita/toni]

My birthday buddy, I still think of myself as a girl. Even though Thomas told me he thought I was 100. :(

I will miss you! Hurry back!

[AmyinMotown]

You will be missed. And I understand exactly what you are saying, on so many levels. I have never been so happy to celebrate a birthday as I was my daughter's fouth. And so far it IS better--there are still issues, but she's pretty much turned back into the sweet kid I fell in love with. There's hope, on the kid front--as far as the identity crisis front, yeah, still struggling with that one.

[Megan]

More of the same - you will be very, very missed. It's an odd, bittersweet thing, to see these pioneering blog(ger)s move on. You were my first - I googled Oprah and infertility for some reason, and you came up, and with you a whole world that made the unlivable livable for me. Wishing you lots of love, and more good days than hard.

[Amanda]

Same here - mostly a lurker, but I'll miss you... please do post your new blog :-)

[B mama]

Sigh, I hear you, on all counts. Keep us posted and hang in there through the winter.

[Julie]

*mwah*

Thank you for everything here. Please send me a map when you get where you're going.

[Paz]

BG, you need to do what is right for you! But if you are indeed goin' away for a little while, I must say you will be sorely missed.

We are all girls, you will always be a girl.

And about another baby...I had mine at 44, granted after many miscarriages. But still. So, I hope if you decide you want more, you get your wish.

I feel sad and I won't say goodbye. Read ya soon.

Be well.

[kris]

let us know where to find you!!

[cass]

I'm feeling the same way about 2.5 - it's just a hard age for us. Ugh.

I'll be waiting to visit you in your new digs wherever/whenever that may be...