BrooklynGirl

A Hypothetical

Your 20 month old son has not  been sleeping well for weeks.  Your husband has been working his ass off at work and, as if that weren't crazy enough, grand jury duty.  You are 32 weeks pregnant.

If The Boy wakes up in the middle of the night, your husband is able to get him back to sleep after as much as an hour of singing and rocking.   You cannot get The Boy to go back to sleep unless you take him back to bed with you, and if you do that, you will not sleep well.

Tonight, your husband got home from work at almost 9.  He has an important presentation to give tomorrow.    You are not working tomorrow, but you worked today and you are exhausted.

The Boy wakes up at 2 am.  His cries cannot be ignored.

What do you do?

You Be the Party Host--Resolution

I went with a combination of A and B.  I kept nursing and rocking and singing (we went through his lullaby CD twice), and he would conk out in my arms but start screaming whenever I tried to put him in the crib.

Finally, he seemed to settle down, but about 5 minutes after I left his room he started to cry.  It's funny how many of you mentioned that a screaming baby would clear out a party: either The Boy doesn't scream as loudly as I think he does, or my friends are deaf because the crying didn't seem to alter their behavior in the slightest.  Although later, when he did stop crying and I returned from peeking on him to be sure he was asleep, the party broke up of its own accord, and the the guests kindly tiptoed past The Boy's room.

Phew.

You Be The Party Host

You have thrown a casual, late afternoon barbecue for some of your friends, and your 10 1/2 month old boy has been a perfect angel throughout.  However, it is now at least an hour past his bedtime, and he is both exhausted and overstimulated.

In the past, you have let him CIO to get to sleep.  Often, he goes to sleep fairly easily on his own, but since he started walking, he is extremely eager to be out of the crib and walking so you've resorted to CIO again.  You believe that some children need to cry to release the day's tension and that some days--days when lots of big heads you don't know that well are tromping through your house and some little kids you don't know that well are playing with your favorite toys and stealing your sippy cup, say--are more tension-filled then others, but as in everything else about your parenting style, you are filled with doubt and insecurity about this belief.

Most of the friends with children (who might be sympathetic to your CIO beliefs) have left your party and, as you try to put your son to bed, the non-parents linger.  After 45 minutes of nursing and rocking and singing, it is clear to you that The Boy will need to cry in order to fall asleep, but you find yourself worrying what your friends will think if you leave him in his room.  Do you: 

A) Think it is shallow and superficial to worry about what your friends think; you let The Boy do what he needs to do to fall asleep

B) Think it is shallow and superficial to worry about what your friends think; nevertheless, you decide to do whatever you can do to get The Boy to fall asleep without crying

C) Think it is shallow and superficial to worry about what your friends think; demand that they leave your apartment (and thus end the party) so you can let The Boy cry with impunity*

D) Think it is shallow and superficial to worry about what your friends think; insist on giving them a mini-lecture on the benefits of CIO as your son cries in the background

*Although your friends can hear The Boy cry; owing to the white noise of the air conditioner, you (and you assume The Boy) cannot hear your friends from his room

You Be The Parent, Round 8--Resolution

Huh.  I almost didn't publish my last post because I thought I might be overreacting, but based on your comments it seems I may have been underreacting.  Who knew underreaction was in my repertoire?

Upon reading my post, my husband thought I was too hard on Odd Girl, and I think he has a point.  She did say and do everything I described, but not in a menacing way....more in a weird and clueless way.  Very weird and very clueless, but still.  I think I was looking for validation in wanting getting this girl out of my apartment, and you've more than provided it.

So....my choice is a modified D.  Summer vacation plans will conspire to alter our current arrangement, and I simply won't find a way to reschedule.  It's the coward's way out, I suppose, but though I don't know Odd Girl or her mother very well, I do see them a lot...and will continue to see them a lot for the foreseeable future so choices B and C have the potential to make things very, very awkward.

If I really thought the girl was in some kind of danger, I wouldn't worry about awkwardness (at least I like to think I wouldn't), but I don't. I think she's just odd.

You Be The Parent, Round 8

The 11-year old daughter of a neighbor of your acquaintance has expressed an interest in babysitting for your 9-month old son as a "mother's helper."  Eager for the help, you agree despite some misgivings about the girl who has always struck you as a little odd (though admittedly you don't know her well).

The girl has spent several afternoons with you and your son, and now you find her even odder.  She seems to be utterly lacking in manners and/or guile: she rifles through your desk drawers and bathroom cabinet in your presence (which you did when you babysat all those years ago though you generally waited until the grownups had vacated the premises); she repeatedly calls your apartment messy; and most disconcertingly, she seems slightly obsessed with your son's genitals.  On her first visit, she asked if she could give your son a bath (and then made a comment to the effect that it's the closest she'll get to an R-rated movie).  On subsequent visits, she has asked somewhat incessantly if he needs a diaper change.   

Do you:

A) Do nothing--A little curiosity is normal and besides, under the current arrangement she is never totally alone with your child.

B)  Talk to the girl and explain what's creeping you out.

C) Talk to the girl's mother and ask her to explain to her daughter why you're creeped out.

D)  Tell the girl and/or her mother that the whole mother's helper thing isn't really working out.

You Be The Parent, Round 7--Resolution

Well, the short term solution has been Option C: the heavy stuff has been moved and the two shelves within The Boy's reach are now filled with mixing bowls and tupperware and things that won't cause injury if he pulls them upon himself. 

The shelf is remarkably sturdy though--when I shake it, the dishes don't rattle enough to make much of a ruckus and The Boy isn't nearly strong (or heavy) enough to tip it.  Yet.  Ultimately, we will anchor it.

Those who suggested gating off the kitchen, well, I direct you the the description of my apartment as small, which really can't be emphasized enough.  Making the kitchen off-limits is not a possibility.  However, The Boy's bedroom opens off the kitchen (see what I mean: small New York City apartment) so I may get a gate for his bedroom door so that he can play in his room while I cook dinner.  Assuming I really want to cook dinner.  Hmm.

Anyway, thanks for playing everyone.

Food for thought: has the child proofing revolution changed the way people parent? 

You Be The Parent, Round 7

You live in a small New York City apartment with a small New York City kitchen and small New York city cabinets.  Thus, to store your heavier pots and pans and larger items, you've been using this improvised shelving solution:

You're a fan of the shelving, but so (sadly) is your newly mobile son who can pull himself up to stand at the second shelf where he enjoys grabbing for the heavy cookware that--should it fall on his wee little feet, say--would cause some significant damage.   He's also well into the items on the bottom shelf: a box for produce, cereal boxes that don't fit anywhere else, and the tupperware with which he is perfectly welcome to amuse himself.   Do you:

A) Do nothing.  You will always be in the kitchen to supervise The Boy, and no harm will come to him on your watch.

B) Move the heavy pots and pans onto the bottom shelf.  You'll still be there to discourage him from playing with them, but if he pulls them off from that height, the risk of injury is minimal.

C)  Move everything except the tupperware somewhere else.  Anywhere else.

D) Do something entirely different (please explain).

You Be The Parent, Round 6--Resolution

We went out.  I had an apple martini and the husband had an actual martini and then we had a lovely dinner.   We were home by 10.

The Boy didn't make a sound while we were out--which made it a snap for all concerned.  By 10:30, he was up in his crib, trapped in a standing position and chewing on the railing, doing his very best "Kilroy Was Here" imitation.

Then, because there is no rest for the wicked, he was up for the day at 4:45. 

You Be The Parent, Round 6

After a brief business trip that included a lot of late night traveling and early morning meetings, your husband got home last night at 2:30 am and slept until 8 this morning when he got up and went to work.  He's wiped out.

You were dealing with the return of colic baby and slept from 11:30-1, 1:30-2:30, 2:45-4, and 4:30 to 5:30.  You are also wiped out.

However, a friend has offered to sit for your son tonight while you and your husband go out.  You don't really want to go out: you'd rather just go to bed, but this offer is not likely to be repeated (and you can count on one hand the number of times you've been out without your son since he was born 8 months earlier).  The friend cannot be at your house before 7 pm and cannot reschedule for another night in the near future.

What do you do?

You Be The Parent, Round 5***Updated

Your 8 month old child is just crawling and pulling himself up enough to really enjoy the tot lot, a playground for the under 2 set, near your apartment.  Within moments of arrival at said playground, your child is happily crawling around all over the place, with a big smile on his face and a pretty serious coating of filth all over his body.

Your child wears himself out at the playground, which generally means he'll fall soundly asleep in his stroller, which in turn makes it easier for you to do some grocery shopping or what have you on your way home.  You've noticed, however, that your filthy, sleepy boy gets some disapproving looks from tidier folks, which makes you wonder if you should:

a) go directly home after the tot lot; give him a quick bath; change his clothes; and get on with your life;

b) wipe him down as best you can with wet wipes or a water bottle before leaving the tot lot, and change him into the emergency set of extra clothes you generally have with you;

c) clean his hands and anything else that might spend a lot of time in his mouth, but otherwise ignore it--he's a kid and kids get dirty;

d) start going to the tot lot later in the day (closer to bath time) so he spends less time filthy; or

e) stop going to the tot lot until he's older and spends more time on his feet and less on his belly.

*****

Well, clearly I need to come up with more subtle options.  Yes, of course, I go with C. 

I have lots to say about dirty looks, competitive parenting, and my own neurosis concerning both of these, but I can't do it right now because I have a date!  With my husband!  Without The Boy!  (We still haven't figured out the sitter situation--a friend is coming over--but still!)