I wish I could say that I was wrong. I wish I could say it was worth it to blow $195 on a pregnancy test. I wish I hadn't just gotten my period about an hour ago. I wish.
But alas. None of those things is true. I got the call from the nurse earlier today, and then as if nature felt it necessary to add an exclamation point, the gates of the Great Menstrual Flood of 2004 opened.
I wish I could be like getupgrrl and say I'm not wallowing in the "why me-ness" of this situtation, but the fact is that's exactly what I'm doing. This gigantic fuck you from the universe plays into all the insecurities I've ever had that something is wrong with me. These aren't rational fears, mind you. These are the fears of an adolescent who worries that no one will want to sit with her at lunch or that she'll wear the wrong clothes and that no one will be her friend or that the boy she really likes who's standing across the room talking to his friends is really talking about her and what a freak she is. Like I said, not rational.
But then again, maybe what's really scary to me is the fact that I'm not an adolescent. I know that sometimes you do eat lunch alone (even when you don't want to), sometimes it does really matter what clothes you wear, and sometimes the cute boy really is calling you a freak. There's no guaranteed happy ending for this infertility story: we will run out of money and, thus, options.
Anyway, that's all the blathering I have in me for now. Thanks for your good thoughts. I wish I could have delivered on them.
My heart goes out to you. How disappointing & wretched that you find yourself here....with such familiar feelings, again. Why?? I am so sorry.
Posted by: Simone | March 24, 2004 at 06:35 PM
I'm really sorry. There aren't words, really, for something like this. It just blindly, peltingly, sucks.
Posted by: Karen | March 24, 2004 at 06:46 PM
Well I wish you had been one to fly the coop this time. But don't feel like you've let anyone down - it's not you "job" to get yourself pregnant. Pick some other scapegoat.
Until then, the only words I can offer are, "that blows."
Posted by: Julia | March 24, 2004 at 07:57 PM
I am so sorry. I have been following your blog for a little while. Again, I am so sorry.
Posted by: Allie | March 24, 2004 at 08:38 PM
Ah, hell. That sucks and I'm really, really sorry.
Sheeit.
Posted by: Jo | March 24, 2004 at 10:02 PM
I am so sorry. Very disappointing news.
Posted by: Julia S | March 24, 2004 at 10:33 PM
UGH, I am so sorry. I always hate to read this kind of news, infertility sucks major ass. I've been following some of your blog lately and was hoping for better news. I added you to my list, hope that's okay. Go indulge in some guilt-free sin.
Posted by: Cathy | March 25, 2004 at 01:57 AM
Don't you wish there was someone you could take this up with? There should be some sort of jury you can present your case to, be deemed worthy and then get pregnant.
Posted by: JJ | March 25, 2004 at 07:21 AM
That's awful.... I'm thinking of you.
Posted by: Bella | March 25, 2004 at 07:22 AM
Aw, thanks girls. Honestly, the thing that keeps tripping me up is the isolation of this whole thing. Having your company helps with that.
Posted by: Lisa | March 25, 2004 at 09:11 AM
Lisa. Damn. There is just no sense in all of this.
Posted by: Julie | March 25, 2004 at 10:06 AM
So sorry girl.
As for the isolation, of course you have all of us internet buddies as well as a few confidants, but perhaps it is time to open up to your families and let them in on what you guys are going through? We kept it to ourselves for almost a year. It really was a relief when we let our families in on what was going on with us. Also saves those inevitable "so when are you going to have a baby?" questions.
Do try to enjoy your break. Think of all those mornings you won't have to run around from dr's office to school to work. Take some time to pamper yourself, and perhaps throw back a few margaritas. ;-)
Hugs,
Julie
Posted by: JulieBean | March 25, 2004 at 10:40 AM
Hey- give yourself some time to get back up okay? You're entitled to some "down time" and maybe some floor cake.
Don't let your anger make you feel guilty.
Posted by: Kristine | March 25, 2004 at 12:37 PM
I'm so sorry, grrl. Lie down on the floor and eat yourself some cake, you deserve it. Optimism is for another day.
Posted by: getupgrrl | March 25, 2004 at 02:01 PM
Hey, Lisa, how are you holding up? I've been thinking about you.
Posted by: Julie | March 26, 2004 at 02:43 PM
Me, too. Post when you can.
-Julie
Posted by: JulieBean | March 26, 2004 at 03:22 PM
Ladies--I'm okay, thanks for asking. I'm going to see the doc on Monday and try to figure out what's next--both what I can handle and what he thinks is best. And tonight I'll be indulging in some medicinal tequila--on the rocks, with salt if you please.
Posted by: Lisa | March 26, 2004 at 03:43 PM
Lisa:
I'm so sorry. Have one of those medicinal tequila's for me. $195 for a pregnancy test? are you kidding? Talk about adding insult to injury. Try Quest Diagnostics: http://www.questdiagnostics.com/
You can order test yourself and I know I ordered a blood pregnancy test and it wasn't even near $195. something like $40. check into it. I checked and there is one near Brooklyn.
Posted by: Enough Already | March 26, 2004 at 09:34 PM
I'm sorry about the arrival of that damn Aunt Flo....you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: CJ | March 27, 2004 at 10:02 PM