And They're Off!

My brother and sister-in-law live in Chicago with my one-year old niece. We're not a big "talk on the phone" kind of family so I didn't talk to them often before my niece was born, and I talk to them only moderately more now (we communicate mostly by email).

In truth, I've been dreading phone calls from my brother because any day now I'm expecting to hear that they're pregnant with #2, and I know I'm going to have issues with that, no matter how much I try to be a big person about it. At the same time, my brother and sister-in-law are the only ones in the family who know any of the details of our fertility woes, and they've been reasonable tactful about it.

Anyway, today we chatted about the summer and possibly getting together and my sister in law mentioned that they had started working on #2. "We started in December," she said. "I thought for sure I'd be pregnant by now." I bit my tongue and said that sometimes it took a little longer than we might want. And then I changed the subject.

I wish them well, of course, but I wish us, um, well-er. Does that make me a bad person?

Comments

[Karen]

No, no, no! You are not a bad person! I had to remind myself this over and over...until I finally decided not to apologize for my feelings generated by IF anymore. IF is a HUGE deal, and with all we are going through, we shouldn't have to second guess ourselves over and over. You have every right to wish yourselves "well-er."

Oh, get over yourself. Stop being so petty.

[Julia S]

No. No no no. NOT a bad person. Or no worse than I am, does that help? When my brother's wife conceived (first month, of course and two weeks after our big 20 week loss) my actual, verbalized reaction was "She is fucking pregnant?!?" Not, "Oh joy! The miracle of life continues!" or even a grudging "Congratulations."

My husband's sister got married this past September and has announced to all and sundry that they will start trying in, oh look, March. I am dreading that phone call myself.

As for anonymous up there, come a little closer. You want to see petty? Closer, closer... SMACK.

Delete them.

Does knowing that other people are petty and jealous make you feel more legitimate in your own shortcomings? yeah, probably. does it make your selfishness any less wrong? no

[Julia]

I wish you well-er, too. Damn straight.

[Kristine]

Your anonymous poster has pissed me off. I wonder if that person might concede to the fact that wanting something so basic, that everyone else in your life seems to be able to attain, can be painful. Everyone deals with it in their own way. And that's okay.
No, dear Brooklyn, you are not petty. You are normal.

[getupgrrl]

You're perfectly normal. Kind, even. A saint, practically. She's upset because she's been trying for two months and hasn't gotten pregnant? And she knows what you've been through? Please. Hit her on the head with the phone. Maybe that will knock some compassion and decorum into her.

[JulieBean]

You are a GREAT person and you handled the situation with your SIL wonderfully.
Here's to hoping you beat them to the punch!
-Julie

[Lisa]

Thanks ladies (except for Anonymous whose post I'm leaving up as a personal reminder for the times that I'm feeling badly about myself that there are further depths to which a human being can sink and he/she is it).

[Monica]

I'm a little late to this debate, but I just wanted to add that I also think you're a wonderful person. I know you don't need me to tell you that, but I want to say it anyway. How is it that someone was insensitive to your feelings and you walked away feeling bad? Why do we allow that to happen? You're amazing and strong and honest. That's it.

[Jo]

Ugh. I concur with getupgrrl's assessment -- this person knows what you've been through and has the temerity to express such a sentiment? Most uncool. You handled the situation beautifully, IMO.

No, of course you're not a bad person to wish yourself well-er! You're human and normal! What, are we not allowed to want things for ourselves? Hey, I expressed a similar sentiment recently to my husband, and there's no WAY I'm a bad person! I'll pound anyone who says so!

(I am blaming the extensive use of exclamation points on the Gonal-F.)

[Karen]

Wow. That anonymous poster has really pissed me off, too. Someone like that obviously has no compassion for others, absolutely no sensitivity, and no balls. Yeah, it's really noble to take potshots at women that are going through life crises. I hope you feel better about yourself, Anonymous.

[Heidi]

If it makes you a bad person than I think every woman who has gone through infertility is a bad person too, because I know I certainly felt the same way about when my friend told me that they were going to start trying for their second "MAYBE" and then found out they were pg when they weren't even trying.

mabye not a "bad" person in the extreme sense of the word, but surely self-absorbed. true friends rejoice in their friends' and families' success--they don't resent it. i question how sincere your relationships are (and those of the other women at your defense) if you don't have the capacity to rejoice for others.

[Lisa]

Anonymous--I'm not sure that you've demonstrated a true expertise in sincerity as you haven't yet been sincere enough to sign your posts, but that said, I don't think anyone here has demonstrated a lack of capacity to rejoice for friends or family. The real struggle with infertility is feeling too sad and damaged to take part in that rejoicing as much as one might like, in part because of the fear of people like you standing around the edges saying helpful things like "Why aren't you happier for So and So."

Now, because life is short and I don't have time to be aggravated by your hit and run snarkiness, I've taken away the ability to comment anonymously on this blog. Yep, you've ruined it for everyone. So, if you have any further comments, please feel free to share, but have the courage of your convictions to sign your name.

[Karen]

Oh, goody, lookee Lisa. You're not a "bad" person. Thank goodness we aren't all "bad" people. For a minute there, I was about to let someone I've never met, who isn't sincere his or herself, and obviously has no knowledge of infertility, make me feel bad because I don't always hold goddamn parties every time I hear about another pregnant friend. Whew.

[Moxie]

To Anonymous:

Why are you here? Lots of us come here for different reasons. Some women come here to share the pain of infertility and try to find dome sense of community in it. I come here because my friends who are going through infertility aren't able emotionally to talk to me about it, so I'm trying to learn.

Why are you here?

There are plenty of places you could go to hurt people's feelings. This should not be one of them. It's Lisa's space for her to talk about her own life, her own feelings (which she's perfectly entitled to) and her own relationships.

If you are infertile, it's freakin' wonderful that you're able to rise above the pain and isolation to be purely joyful for other who are having babies. If you're not infertile, then frankly I think you should shut the hell up. Because no matter what pain women like you and I go through (because we all have our pain), there's *no way* to know how you'd feel in that situation. And no reason for you to judge someone else for honest emotion.

So, Anonymous, you can get your own "I hate infertile people who dare to have negative emotions" blog. Or you can just shut up and stop pissing in someone else's yard. Lisa certainly doesn't deserve this abuse from a coward who won't sign her name.

[Jodi]

Yeah! What Moxie said!

[Rebecca]

It seems like the post from Anonymous was removed. With all the responses she got, I wanted to read it. Am I just not looking in the right place it or was in in fact removed? Thx

[Sam]

Ugh! I love, Love,LOVE my friend S., She deserves all the happiness a person can have.But was I happy for her when it was announced she was pregnant AGAIN? Um, no. Did I hate her guts for a second? Definitely. Did I go to her baby shower? Hell no!! Does this make me a bad person? I don't think so. I called her and explained(for the clueless) that it would just be too painful for me, and I wouldn't want to do that to her, she was a gracious bitch about it, and we are still friends. So to all of you who are helping me with your blogs and comments and forums, you have brought my heart up a notch, from below-sea-level to at least the floor.