The Other Apology

As I've mentioned before, The Boy walks.

At the playground, sometimes I see older children being encouraged to take a few steps by their parents (fathers more often than mothers, in my limited experience), and the parents will stare at The Boy. When they ask how old he is, I usually answer "Almost a year." Which is the truth. But not the whole truth.

Every now and again, a parent will face their child toward The Boy as he toddles by. "See, that baby can walk," they say, and I wince. Sometimes, I take pains to point out the things The Boy does not do. He does not wave bye-bye; he does not clap; he is a terrible napper.

It's a strange thing, this impluse to diminish The Boy's accomplishment. I think it's my way of apologizing, my way of saying that I don't know know how he did it. I do know that I didn't have anything to do with it, that it's not an endorsement of my parenting skills.

Hopefully, this is not his crowning achievement. Ideally, he will not be sitting on a well worn bar stool someday, thinking back on those halcyon early walking days like a balding former high school football star reminiscing about the big game.

Comments

[dish]

You know, when you wrote the post about the Boy walking, my first thought was "damn, another one" because my 14-month old has yet to walk. Cruises around like a champ, but no walkies. Then, I thought- that's silly, it's great for BG that the Boy walks...one less thing for her to worry about.

It's not a competition, so I shouldn't feel bad that my kid's not walking yet...and more importantly, you shouldn't feel bad that yours is.

But my kid can wave bye-bye ;-P
(just kidding with you...)

[robin j.]

I wrote a very similar blog entry (only in reverse!) which I'm pasting in here since my archives aren't publicly accessible. Sorry so long!

--

Almost every time I go anywhere with S, we run into a mother with a similar-aged child who expresses astonishment at his language skills.

I always point out that he didn't start walking until he was 15 months old and that I just think kids tend to be either early talkers or early walkers and that it all averages out in the end.

I don't think S is better than other kids. I think every mom feels that their kid is awesome and is proud of whatever they do.

Today when it happened and I was chatting with this other mom, S interrupted to say that he had to go potty. As we were going off to the restroom, she called after me with amazement that he is already toilet-training, and I called back that it wasn't all great, that it would probably be easier if he'd waited until 2.5 or 3 and became fully potty-trained faster.

Why do I always feel like I have to apologize for S? I do the same thing with myself when people say great things about me. Am I raising S to be self-effacing? I don't want to.

[JK]

It's SOOOOOO hard not to apologize. If you celebrate the successes your children have, you worry that someone will take it the wrong way. If we try to show the negative side, then we're sure that someone will take that the wrong way.

Welcome to Motherhood... Where you ALWAYS do the wrong thing. It's part of the job description huh?

[Melissa]

My girl sleeps 12-13 hours a night and I always feel the need to explain that when she was younger she was a horrible sleeper, that we didn't always have it so easy.

[Cat, Galloping]

I've been on both sides of this. Gatito is ahead in height and sleep and towards the back end of the curve in most other things and both make me uncomfortable! And actually, I'm now remembering a time that a grandmother in the store commented on his teeth (#5 made an appearance today) and lamented that her grandchild did not have any yet! As though having teeth is some sign of accomplishment. I just keep telling myself (and others if it comes up) that all babies are different and there's a wide range of normal.

I don't know if I've ever done this, but I could envision pointing out a walking baby to Gatito in the same way I'd point out a dog or a blender at bed and bath, just for something to talk about with him, as a way of describing the world, you know?

[joie]

My nephew won't wave either, but I honestly believe he is just unfriendly. He is actually quite shy. Yesterday I spent 15 minutes trying to get him to wave "bye bye" and NOTHING. Then, as soon as the people were long out of sight, in a little teeny voice he started saying "bye," long pause, "bye," long pause, "bye." Kids are so funny!

[Julie]

One of the best advice I got (and I don't remember who gave it) was that I shouldn't pay attention too closely to "when" my child should be doing certain milestones (sitting up, crawling, walking, talking, sleeping through the night, etc). The advice was based on the notion that all children develop at their own rate and comparing them to so and so will drive me nuts. They said that they grow up so quickly as it is and that when they are 18 and going away to college, they will be sitting up, walking, talking, and most definitely sleeping through the night (and most of the morning!). As for apologizing for successes - I've never actually noticed if I've done that - i probably have at least once.

[Amber]

I dunno. My son is just over a week old and I think he'll look back on these glory days. Namely, he has the very distinct talent of burping (or rather loudly belching) himself after each feeding. Impressive for one so young....

[Erica77777]

God, I'm just the same way. My son started walking relatively early and when people commented on that fact I always felt the need to (and always did) say something like "yeah, but he doesn't talk/point/want to eat anything but Cheerios with his own hands yet."

As you point out, I had nothing at all to do with his walking prowess and I had nothing to do with his inability/refusal to do the other things, either.

He's 14 months old now and points and babbles like a madman (and is doing a few of the ASL signs we've taught him over the months), but he still is insanely picky about what he chooses to pick up and put in his mouth--e.g., shredded cheese, yes, string cheese, no. I figure that I still have nothing to do with this, but I still bring it up in conversation with other mothers (along with his recent unholy separation anxiety issues) in an effort to keep everything in balance and to make no mother feel like a Bad Mother (which apparently, surprisingly and frighteningly, is my new raison d'etre).

[Monica]

Yep...another one here who thought "oh, look" when I read that the Boy was walking. Madam takes a few steps here and there, but mostly, she's a dedicated cruiser. And let's not talk about language...she certainly can't. I can't get anything but babble out of her, which makes me feel nervous. Am I not encouraging her enough? Reading to her enough? Challenging her?

But then I shook myself and told myself the equivalent of what Julie posted above.

Congrats on how well the Boy is doing. :)

[sandy]

Wow!

My son was competantly walking by 11 months - I had the same impulse to deflect some of the reaction, praise (?) enthusiasm (?) from other parents. -In the same way as you- by mentioning things he's not doing yet. I think it's like learning to gracefully accept compliments... Cuz, in some way, it's not that I disagree with those who marvel at my son - it's that I agree 100%... He's definitely the smartest, cutest, most coordinated kid in town!

One difference is that we are non-Asian living in Taiwan - so people are always staring, pointing and giggling at my son.

[Gracie]

Yes, I too can relate. My 10 month old boy is not walking. But, he can say a whole bunch of words and even respond correctly to some questions, like "what does a cow say"? (Moo) I feel the need to justify this to all the moms with similar aged babies by pointing out what their babies can do that mine cannot, like walking or holding a sippy cup reliably. I guess I should just enjoy each stage. I'm sure that some day he will walk, right?