You Be The Party Host

You have thrown a casual, late afternoon barbecue for some of your friends, and your 10 1/2 month old boy has been a perfect angel throughout.  However, it is now at least an hour past his bedtime, and he is both exhausted and overstimulated.

In the past, you have let him CIO to get to sleep.  Often, he goes to sleep fairly easily on his own, but since he started walking, he is extremely eager to be out of the crib and walking so you've resorted to CIO again.  You believe that some children need to cry to release the day's tension and that some days--days when lots of big heads you don't know that well are tromping through your house and some little kids you don't know that well are playing with your favorite toys and stealing your sippy cup, say--are more tension-filled then others, but as in everything else about your parenting style, you are filled with doubt and insecurity about this belief.

Most of the friends with children (who might be sympathetic to your CIO beliefs) have left your party and, as you try to put your son to bed, the non-parents linger.  After 45 minutes of nursing and rocking and singing, it is clear to you that The Boy will need to cry in order to fall asleep, but you find yourself worrying what your friends will think if you leave him in his room.  Do you: 

A) Think it is shallow and superficial to worry about what your friends think; you let The Boy do what he needs to do to fall asleep

B) Think it is shallow and superficial to worry about what your friends think; nevertheless, you decide to do whatever you can do to get The Boy to fall asleep without crying

C) Think it is shallow and superficial to worry about what your friends think; demand that they leave your apartment (and thus end the party) so you can let The Boy cry with impunity*

D) Think it is shallow and superficial to worry about what your friends think; insist on giving them a mini-lecture on the benefits of CIO as your son cries in the background

*Although your friends can hear The Boy cry; owing to the white noise of the air conditioner, you (and you assume The Boy) cannot hear your friends from his room

Comments

[Sheena]

Go ahead and let him cry it out; since I am not his parent I would not care about his crying in this situation. Although as a non-parent, I would be glad that I was not the one that had to deal with the situation. Non-parents don't spend nearly as much time obsessing over your parenting as you do.

[marion]

You need an option that doesn't include the bit about the shallowness and superficiality of wondering what your friends think. :) You value these people's judgment and good opinion, I assume, or you wouldn't call them friends. A baby's cry is designed to annoy human beings in such a way that makes us want to DO something about it RIGHT NOW. Parents who have been around crying babies a lot are likely to understand how sometimes babies will just need to cry...but non-parents won't necessarily. I'd go with Option E: Let the boy cry it out, and tell your most talkative friend still in attendance that the Boy was having so much fun that you let him stay up way past his normal sleep time, that overtired babies don't work like adults, and sometimes have to cry themselves to sleep. How's that?

[kathleen999]

I would do what I normally do, and then say to friends, "Sometimes babies just need to have a little cry before they conk out." And leave it at that. Do what the boy needs...I think it's fine to try everything else first. You'd probably do that anyway.

[Cat, Galloping]

Modified D: Explanation would be really light and quick.

Probably non-parents are not really that sensitive to hearing a baby cry anyway. Although, ha! one time when my husband was little and his mom was leaving him to cry while she had a dinner party, a man said to her, MADAM, your BABY is CRYING. lol.

[Jessica]

I'm not sure how to say what I want to say...haha. But what it boils down to is that no one knows your son like you do. You know what he needs, when needs it and how he needs it (until he turns 2,or even 18 months and all hell breaks loose and who knows whats going on). You have to trust yourself and do what YOU know is right and best for your child no matter who is around and what they might thing. This is just one of the few times you will be faced with feeling this way, but only you know and you know in your heart you HAVE to do whats best for the baby.

[EJW]

I know that lots of non-parents find it easy to judge parents for what they perceive as mistakes. I did it Friday night when friends told us their 2 year old still uses a pacifier. This judgement, however, is total BS. Until you have kids, you'll never know, and you'll especially never know about the ins and outs of someone else's kid.

So I say modified A) Let him CIO, don't worry about what they think. They're going to judge no matter what, and in 5 years when they have kids, they'll realize how stupid that was.

Unfortunately, I suspect a crying baby is a quick way to end a party of non-parents, whether or not you have a nice, clean, quick explanation.

[eliz]

If it was actually me if your shoes, I would end up with B because I would rather sit in the baby's room rocking him to sleep for an hour or whatever, than worry about what people thought about my parenting. 'Cause I'm insecure that way. Probably not the best choice, but what I would actually do.

[Sarah]

I agree--you need an option that doesn't include shallowness. It is hard to to 'do your thing' when you don't know how others will react.

[twocatmommy]

(C) I guess. It's not fair to subject your guests to a crying baby. I'd thank the guests for coming and say you needed to help your son go to sleep. Not that I agree with CIO, whether or not you have company.

[ValleyGal]

In these parts, people just let their kids cry (and everyone listens on the monitor and sympathizes), but usually not for more than 10 or 15 minutes. That's what I do... I'd have let him fuss for a few minutes, then go in and calm him down, then repeat. My guess is that 10-15 minutes of fussing won't clear a party, but if it does, well then the problem is solved, right?

[abogada]

I'm a wimp. I would choose B. But, to be fair, we have never used CIO, so that probably affects my choice. Please tell us what you did!

[Summer]

D, though I'd keep the explanation to "he always cries a bit before he falls asleep, just ignore him." I remember going to a friend's house before I had a kid, and hearing their son cry as he was falling asleep, and my friends said exactly what I quoted above. Once I knew that it was normal and didn't require attention, I really didn't care that the kid was crying.

[Christine]

Before I had a kid I would have absolutely taken that as a cue to leave. But the sound of a crying baby has always driven me slightly insane. To other people's kids, I'm sympathetic. For my own, I have a tendency to march into his room and say, "Look, kid, cut the crap."

[Tricia]

Wow, I can't give my answer because I never know what to do myself. If it's my sisters, they all have had babies so I wouldn't have a problem letting him cry. However, I have a childless, boyfriendless cousin and she is the worst critic in the WORLD. She's got the "if I were his mother this is what I would do" perfect parent syndrome. I suppose I had that syndrome long before I had children. Personally, I always wish she'd just LEAVE while I'm trying to get the babies to bed!!! Her loud voice doesn't help!

[Julie]

I would do (and might I add, have actually done myself) D. I find myself always explaining my parenting decisions to both the parents and non-parents of our group of friends. I think it is more an insecurity thing on my part rather than people really even caring about the decisions I make.