Conversations with Fertiles

My brother and sister-in-law are expecting their third child.  This news does not fill me with soul crushing despair as it would have some years ago, but following so close upon recent thoughts of my own, I can't say it doesn't give me a pang.

I'll get the usual provisos out of the way: I am happy for them; I am aware of the good fortune we have had--The Boy is here while many others are still waiting; I am not without ambivalence about trying--really trying--for another child of our own. 

And yet it's hard to hear this news without being reminded of my own inadequacies in the reproductive department.  To wit, the following conversation in which my oldest niece learns the good news (which was recounted to me over the telephone after the fact):

Niece: There's a baby growing in your tummy?

Sister-in-Law: Yes.

Niece: Who put it there?

Brother (interrupting): I did. [insert manly swagger here]

Sister-in-Law: Don't tell her that; we don't want to get into all of that right now.

Brother: What else are we going to tell her?  Who else could have put it there?

BrooklynGirl (screaming inside own head): The nice man at the fertility clinic?

Comments

[Cat, Galloping]

I think I will always feel ate least a slight pang when other people get pregnant, even if it's not what I want for myself at that particular time. I just think that the the depth of that WANT was so intense in the years before Gatito, even for a couple of years before we started trying, that a little (or sometimes huge) shadow of it will always remain.

[baggage]

I had to go to a new doctor yesterday and there were about 900 pregnant ladies in the waiting room. I was suprised that I felt so much sadness. I saw two of the pregnant ladies and leave and go smoke and come back. It all seemed unfair.

[Julie]

Boy, oh, boy, can I relate. A woman I know recently showed me the T-shirt she sends to all of her friends when they have children: a baby T-shirt that reads, "All Mommy wanted was a backrub."

What can you possibly say to that?

[elecriclady]

We have some very close friends who have a son just old enough (almost 9) that he will probably have all sorts of questions when we/they eventually tell him about my pregnancy. In the interest of honesty, I'm picturing something like, "When two people love each other very, very much, and have grown very, very tired of soul-crushing Forced Death March sex, they go see a nice man with a catheter..."

[DebbieS]

Well, at least The Boy is going to get a fair and balanced education on the birds and the bees and the RE's! My parents just handed me a book when I turned 8 and started asking questions. Unfortunately, they didn't read it first, and upon completing said book I knew how to diagnose and treat malaria, the difference between scabies and shingles, and all the stages of the human embryo, but none of the variations on the theme of Tab A into Slot B. Maybe somebody needs to write a new book on the topic?

[Susan]

I still look for acknowledgement from the general public of my IF badge of honor, my purple heart...but it doesn't come.
'Ya think I have some unresolved anger from it all?

[caro]

Ack. I'd be irritated with the swaggering "I put the baby there" even without the infertility background.

[Toni]

Sometimes I wonder.... Why can't it be easy?

[MoMo]

I think the most painful part of hearing comments like that when they are specifically said to you (as opposed to when you overhear a random comment)is knowing that your pain is not acknowledged. I don't expect people to really know how it feels to be infertile, but I need them to acknowledge how deeply painful it is to me.

[Sassy]

I'm with Caro. It's a bit... yeah.

[Heather]

I know what you mean. We're very grateful to have Phoebe and I don't feel the little green monster when friends of ours are having their firsts. It's when others are having their second or third, and I know we haven't had much luck in that department. I saw two sisters yesterday with their mom and as I watched them interact I felt a pang that reminded me that our daughter won't get to have that kind of relationship.

[scout]

Toni,

I hear what your saying about acknowledgement... I have a sister in law who I love and she is very nice, but she always makes comments about how much she does like kids! (she has a baby and a 2 year old), and my mother-in-law is even WORSE, on mother's day (as my husband and I are going through IVF), my sister in law and mother in law (did I stress that this happened on MOTHER'S day?!) spent the after noon talking about "how terrible" pregnancy is... I love them. But, that was a moment when I could have yelled at them both about HOW UNGRATEFUL and SELFISH (and did I say ungrateful) they both are! Ugh...

As I write, I've just finished my first IVF cycle and am supposed to go for my first pregnany test tomorrow morning... but...I think I'm just starting my period now... (cry) Can't exactly tell...blood...cramping...it doesn't look good.

We (my husband and I) make the VAST MISTAKE of telling his parents that we would be doing invitro this summer, and my SUPER INVASIVE mother in law who LOVES to gossip about everyone's personal details has made a pile of stress in my life by her invasiveness... I cannot tell you..

So, I UNDERSTAND the desire for acknowledgement (totally), BUT for me WORSE that being forgotten about, is having people INVADE the privacy of something as hard as this...

Just my 2 cents :)

Good luck to you all.

[scout]

..oops... the above should have read: my sister in law makes comments about how she DOESN'T like kids!...

:)