Second Thoughts

Our recent travels included a lot of time spent with families that included two or more children.  Though I am still so often overwhelmed and befuddled by a single child, seeing the absolute chaos that almost necessarily ensues when another child is added to the mix was humbling.  And yet, also wonderful. 

I always assumed--in much the same way that I assumed all one needed to do to get pregnant was have sex--that I would have more than one child.  I'm not sure why I assumed this except that I have a sibling so the two-child model is what's familiar to me.  Also, both my parents are only children, and they used to talk quite a bit about how they longed for siblings when they were growing up.

All things being equal, then, I'd like to have another child.  I'd like The Boy to have a companion, someone he can roll his eyes at when his parents do something absolutely ridiculous, someone he can stress out with when discussions of "sharing" the holidays start (in August!), someone who will be his family after we're gone.

But, of course, things are never equal.  Having another kid means we would outgrow our wee apartment even sooner, it means delaying my return to the workforce a little (or a lot) longer, it means stretching our resources even thinner. 

And this doesn't even take into account the whole getting pregnant part.  I would love to have that miracle, non-IVF baby my OB was so convinced I'd have, but it's hard to believe that's in the cards, and if it's not, time is awasting: I turn 37 this winter, and I was not abundantly fertile to begin with.  But the thought of cycling again keeps me up at night--the money, the stress, the general craziness--for something that has, at best, a 50% chance of working.  And didn't we already use up our luck?  Is it greedy to want more?

Comments

[Sarah]

It is not greedy. If you can swing it, do it.

[MotherLawyer]

No, it is not greedy. You have to do what is right for you.

I turn 36 in November and am struggling over the second child decision myself. I envy you for at least knowing you'd like another, I can't even figure that part out.

Good Luck.

[Carla Hinkle]

Not at all greedy. Whether you think you can swing it or not is something else. But I always think you don't want to be sorry later that you didn't try.

[Beth]

Delurking to say I don't think its greedy in the least. Would a fertile think it greedy to just have a proverbial roll in the hay and be excited about pregnancy number 2? Its yet another element that those who have struggeld with infertility have to deal with that everyone else doesn't. As for the cycling part - well, it all comes down to whether you can swing it emotionally and financially. Good luck with this very difficult decision.

[AmyinMotown]

Struggling here too. I also come from a two-child family and always thought I would have two kids. As it turns out, I love motherhood, so that's encouraging, but I am broke, 36 and none too fertile. That's not.
The only decision my husband and I have made is to not do the treatment rollercoaster again, maybe some Clomid but that will be that. I didn't ever get to the point of IVF because I knew I couldn't handle it (which is in no way meant to be critical of IVF; it just wasn't in the emotional and financial realm of possibility for us). For me, that naked desire for a second isn't there in the way it was for a first child, although I would be thrilled if it were to happen.

So,umm, no help here except to say I'm right there with you and wish you the best in whatever way you choose to go!

[Erica77777]

Not at all. I agree with Carla--I'm all about the trying it now so that I don't have to regret not trying later.

I turned 37 last week (urgh) and my son is now 14 months old. Don't think for a minute that I don't hear the ominous ticking every day.

By the way, horrible napper son amazingly turned the corner when he turned 13 months' old and now gives me one good 1 & 1/2 to 3-hour nap midday. I don't mean to jinx myself, but please know that There Is Hope.

[taquita]

Hey Birthday Buddy! The ticking is rather deafening isn't it? We are TTC again using only Clomid. If that doesn't work by the end of the year we are finished. Thomas will be an only child. We could be in better financial shape to have another babe, but I see people who are in worse financial shape than we are and they seem to make it work.

I understand the "greedy" feelings though. Thomas is so wonderful and perfect. Such a good child. (not perfect, he didn't sleep through the night until 18 months lol ) Sometimes, I wonder if I am not pushing the odds. We decided to give it a go, but not allow the pressures to reach the point they did previously. We are trying to be much more casual. After all, we are already so blessed!

If you had anything else in your life that brought you so much joy, would you think it greedy to want another? Probably not.

[DD]

I was feeling "greedy" when we announced that we were going through treatments for #2 b/c I knew of how many were just trying for #1.

Then someone told me that there is no annual allotment of babies (just look at the Duggars). If you want to have 20 babies, why not? It does not take away from those who still want one.

[Toni]

I don't think you're greedy...I think it's sad that those of us who have to work to get pregnant have to think that we're being 'greedy' for wanting more. None of my fertile friends ever say anything like that.

I have two beautiful daughters...1st one through GonalF and the second through IVF. I STILL want more :)

So no...I don't think that you're being greedy.

But I can't tell you to go through IVF again...was it worth it to me? Yep. Every second. :)

[Nors]

Some of my fertile friends are trying for #2 and I don't hear them apologizing. I think it difficult for successful infertiles because we made so many promises to ourselves while undergoing treatment that it does feel gluttonous stepping back up to the plate again. If you feel ready to start the process again I say go for it!!!!!!!!!!

[dawn]

Wow, I read this and it was as if I was having a conversation with myself in my own head.

Know EXACTLY where you are coming from.

[Melissa]

Not greedy! Not at all. And I hope it's easy if and when you decide to do it.

[J]

I'm not a mother, just a lurking blogger so for what it's worth, I wish the people in the world who are good parents (like yourself) would have more kids. More good people in the world--don't we need that?

Plus, having siblings myself and having one parent pass away already (I'm 24)--siblings, not money or a big house or a big car or more toys, are one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.

[Julie]

I know how you feel...I am the same age, went through 3 years of ART to get #1. When it came to the decision of #2 we had known ahead of time we wouldn't do ART...strike that - couldn't. We just could not financially swing it (we too live in a tiny apt in park slope, but we don't own it) and the expenses of 1 child are hard enough - we couldn't swing ART plus expenses of #2. That being said, we decided never to use birth control after #1. With #1 15 months old, I found myself undeniably pg with #2. So, ya just never know, I guess! Good luck with your decision :)

[Jill]

I'm right there with you on feeling like it would almost be too good to be true to conceive a second time around.

After 2 years of ttc, I conceived on the natural cycle right after my failed IVF. The IVF was so emotionally and physically distressing for me that I don't think I could do it again.

I may change my tune at some point (I don't plan on ttc for another year or so), but I feel a sense of calm in knowing I'm not locked in to trying another cycle if I don't conceive on my own. I would probably just go back for acupuncture b/c I told myself it helped last time and at the very least it really did chill me out.

I'm set on providing a sibling for my DD b/c it's what I've always envisioned. I figure I'll either conceive on my own or adopt...thinking of it as a win/win situation honestly allows me to sleep at night. I have two friends who adopted beautiful baby girls and they inspire me every time I see them.

I also tell myself there must be some truth when my doctors have said it's sometimes easier to conceive after you've been pregnant. I certainly don't believe that to be a guarantee of any sort, but I'm going to try clinging to the positives the next time around....I figure just being able to wake up to my sweet DD every morning is proof that miracles happen--and we're sometimes granted more than one.

I know the thought of returning to the world of ttc can be slightly terrifying and I wish you all the luck in the world!!! You deserve it!!!

[abogada]

I struggle with that question all the time! I too always thought I would have two kids, but I don't quite know why. My parents are only children; I have a sibling. I would love to find some role models with only one child -- it seems like the rest of the world mostly moves in twos.

[dish]

I'm going through the same thing right now, but with a twist. After our son was born (IVF) we decided that we would not go down that road again, and we would "simply" begin working with our adoption agency again. Then, when he turned a year old, we started talking about the IVF again. But we love our agency (which is more social services than agency and is FAB). Anyway, part of me has decided that since I can do another IVF, maybe I'm being greedy for looking into adoption. Because with adoption there really *are* a limited number of babies. Am I a jerk if I *don't* give the IVF another try since it went along so smoothly the first time? Or am I thumbing my nose at the agency for even trying? I could go around and around with this one all day...