The Boob and I

I am a reluctant breast feeder.  Before The Boy was born, I had read enough about the health benefits that I knew I wanted to give it a shot, but it wasn't a huge priority for me.  I know a number of women who spent their first few months of motherhood having difficulty nursing and feeling like they were failing their babies, and I wanted to skip that if I could.  I laid in a supply of formula before The Boy came home--just in case.

When The Boy arrived, I struggled mightily to nurse him.  My earlier sang froid went out the window when I was confronted with a crying, hungry newborn who I was suddenly determined to breastfeed no matter what.  I was luckily in a hospital with two lactation consultants so I figured I would be able to get the help I needed, but that help quickly devolved into a She Said/She Said debate of "You MUST supplement or you will starve your child" and "You must NOT supplement or you will never be able to feed your child" that made me spitting mad.

Still...I stuck it out, and because I had the luxury of being at home full-time and could devote a lot of time and energy to nursing, eventually things sorted themselves out, and it got easier.  But I never loved it.  I felt chained to The Boy rather than healthily, happily bonded.  Even though Park Slope is the Breast Feeding Capital of the Free World, I was never comfortable nursing in public so I felt trapped at home as well until I gave in to the occasional bottle of formula on the go and felt like a whole new person.

When The Boy turned one, I was surprised that I was still nursing.  By then, I had come to see nursing as a boon for purely selfish reasons: it was much cheaper than formula, it was reasonable convenient (no bottles to prepare or wash), and I could almost always nurse The Boy down for a nap.  But I still hated the politics of it.  When I mentioned that I was nursing (which was not often), someone (always a woman) would say, "Good for you" in a way that I can only describe as paternalistic, and it made me want to run for the can of formula just to be a rebel.

But now the time has come, and eager to reclaim my body and move on,  I have decided to wean. Now, of course, I find myself getting all nostalgic about the good times we've had nursing--vague,  non-specific good times that resulted in one or both of us falling asleep--but still, good times.  We're progressing slowly--so slowly that it's hard to imagine we'll ever be done.

Perhaps by the time we're finished, I'll have a job and a salary that will enable a splurge on bras of the non-nursing variety.

Comments

[Cat, Galloping]

When the time comes, get thee to Orchard Corset! In addition to the fabulous fit, they're discounted. Plus, it's a New York experience. I really feel that man transformed my life by giving me the proper size bra. I just wish he hadn't used the word "shriveled" in the process.

[MotherLawyer]

I get nostalgic about everything, but not over weaning. Even though I'll probably never do it again, I refused to let it make me sad.

Turns out that losing the nursing hormones is a rather nice rush, so maybe that's why this is one thing that didn't make me cry!:)

And yep, the real bras help, too.

[Moxie]

"vague, non-specific good times that resulted in one or both of us falling asleep"

Once again, you make me snort.

If I were my husband, this announcement would make me chant "Free the Springfield Two!"

[Jessica]

I must admit that my son will be 19 months tomorrow and he is still going strong. Yeah the nasty comments get on my nerves, but he is such a boob boy, I dont think I am ready to traumatize either of us by weaning yet. I told him the other day that I refuse to follow him to preschool though!

[Toni/taquita]

When I first committed to breastfeeding, it was only going to be until he had teeth. The thought of nursing a child until he/she could speak was out of the question! Nurse a walking child - no way! Nurse in public? I don't think so!

Well, we hit that milestone and sailed through with only a few wounds. Much to my suprise, I decided to continue until he was a year. In spite of comments like "when are you going to quit doing that?" And still we went on. I had to wean him at 16 months because I had back surgery. I had planned to wean at 18 months anyway, but to be honest, I don't know that I would have followed through. lol The experience of weaning (we had to go cold turkey, pain meds) was far less traumatic than I had imagined. Or maybe the pain medications gave me a false impression! :lol Seriously, I would have preferred a weaning process, but you do what you have to do.

It was liberating, even though I had evolved into a breastfeeding advocate who would nurse on a bench in the middle of the mall. But it was also wistful. The only time he would really be still and cuddle was when we nursed, so I missed the closeness of it. Sometimes, I still miss it and he has been weaned for over a year.

[Lisa]

I was so nostalgic about nursing it was ridiculous. I had wanted to wean for months but when it came down to it I was SOOO sappy about it. I cried and cried. After 2 wks of engorgement and pain and drying up I haven't looked back for one second! I can't believe I made such a big deal. I was SO happy to have my boobs back! Hang in there.

[Menita]

Oh how I love you for writing this. I really have not taken to nursing. I do it, but I get no enjoyment out of it - I can't believe you stuck it our for a year - I've just been setting weekly goals.

[AmyinMotown]

You mean it wasn't perfectly wonderful,a blessed union of mother and baby, your body doing what it was built to do and the purest expression of motherhood?

God, I am making myself nauseous!

I felt exactly the same--I never felt okay with nursing in public (although support other people's right to whip 'em right out if they so please) and so felt very chained to the house for a long time. We stopped (after supplementing for quite some time) at eight months, sooner than I wanted to, becasue she started biting and nothing worked to stop it and we were both getting soooo upset each time that it just wasn't worth it. I was sad to quit because it was such a loving part of our relationship, but also glad to get my body back and be able to have more control over my time.

Totally miss those extra 500 calories a day,though....

[Elizabeth]

It's so funny how our thoughts on the breastfeeding topic can change! I was a hugely enthusiastic breastfeeder and now 16 months in I am definitely, um, not as enthusiastic! I am still glad to nurse my daughter because of the nutritional benefits but I definitely am going full steam ahead on the weaning process. It's slow but she refused most solid food until a couple of months ago so we are decreasing from like a gazillion times a day down to zero...I'll be very happy if she is nursing 1-3 times in a 24 hour period by the time she is 2, and done completely by the time she is 2.5 or so. I don't NIP any longer (and like you I was never comfortable doing it, ever). I am gentle with my daughter, I'm not going to force her to give up the boob all at once, but you better believe I am giving her soy milk instead of num nums whenever she'll accept it. I know I will miss nursing so much when she has weaned, though.
With the next child I wouldn't be surprised if I do give occasional bottles of formula after 6 months or so...assuming I have the same issues with pumping as I did with my daughter (quite simply: I can't pump more than an ounce at a time - it ain't worth it).
Breastfeeding is really a privilege in this culture - it requires education, lots of time, and some luck. I do feel lucky. Congrats to you on going to a year and past - very few people are able and willing to do so!