When I posted this, many of my friends inside the computer emailed to ask how I was doing--I mean, how I was really doing.
I was reluctant to admit out loud for all the world to see that I was not dancing a jig of joy. The possibility suggested by the double line, while exciting, did not eliminate any of my concerns: our apartment was still small; I was still struggling to keep my head above water with one child; and my work situation was now further complicated by an actual job.
More than that, though, I just wasn't ready to get back on the roller coaster: the equivocal blood tests, the inconclusive ultrasounds, the hours spent at Google University trying to uncover the truth I worry that the doctors aren't telling me (or--even scarier--that they haven't yet realized themselves). It's too exhausting, physically and emotionally.
On Friday, I started my heparin. On Sunday morning, I started spotting. Maybe these facts are connected; maybe they're not. This morning--the beginning of my third week of work--I proved my dedication as a new employee by taking the day off to go get a shot of RhoGAM (the circumstances of which I am far from ready to discuss with my boss). Because I already have an appointment with the high powered ultrasound people on Wednesday, I didn't have an ultrasound today.
Until then, nothing to do but wait.
My gut rolls in vicarious worry. I know how hard this must be. But I'm still hoping (I know, it's compulsive) that this ends up being the lucky fluke.
Posted by: Julia | October 16, 2006 at 02:27 PM
I hate this part. I hate going through it. I hate watching other people going through it.
I want to go back to the happy days when I thought people just got pregnant and had babies.
Holding breath until Wednesday.
Posted by: Christine | October 16, 2006 at 02:47 PM
This early not-knowing-limbo-land is so hard; I remember everything that was so difficult about it and don't blame you at all for feeling ambivalent. It's a hard roller-coaster to get back on, even under the best of circumstances.
Posted by: Suz | October 16, 2006 at 04:54 PM
Someone should ban spotting. At anytime, really. It is so nerve-wracking and inconclusive.
In the meantime, I am crossing things here for you.
Posted by: Sara | October 16, 2006 at 09:45 PM
Hoping for the best for you.
Posted by: FishyGirl | October 17, 2006 at 08:47 AM
Wednesday as in tomorrow? I hope so - each additional day of waiting is one too many. Fingers are crossed over here.
Posted by: MoMo | October 17, 2006 at 01:15 PM
Good luck, sweetie. With all of it.
Posted by: Menita | October 17, 2006 at 02:31 PM
Wishing you the bestest luck with the next ultrasound. And thankful for my own sanity it's very soon.
Posted by: millie | October 17, 2006 at 04:54 PM
I think the ambivalence you're describing is common to a lot of people considering their second child, whether or not fertility has been an issue. I have one beautiful toddler, and about a year ago had a miscarriage at 12 weeks... and was devastated, but was horrified to discover I felt a little smidgen of relief in all the grief and anger. I feel terrible even typing that out, but it's true. I'm just not sure I'm up to trying the whole thing again, and I've not been through one half-iota of what you've been through.
I wish you peace as you continue your journey.
Posted by: Shelley | October 17, 2006 at 06:53 PM
I keep wanting to ask...but I know that this is a sensitive issue during a sensitive time. I understand you not wanting to talk about it - but if you do - I'm here.
Posted by: Toni | October 17, 2006 at 08:36 PM
Wishing and hoping.
Posted by: Erica77777 | October 18, 2006 at 02:32 AM
My thoughts are with you today.
Posted by: cat | October 18, 2006 at 09:13 AM
Hoping all is well.
Posted by: Nors | October 18, 2006 at 08:12 PM
Thinking of you and like the others have said, hoping all is well.
Posted by: JK | October 18, 2006 at 08:44 PM