A Hypothetical

Your 20 month old son has not  been sleeping well for weeks.  Your husband has been working his ass off at work and, as if that weren't crazy enough, grand jury duty.  You are 32 weeks pregnant.

If The Boy wakes up in the middle of the night, your husband is able to get him back to sleep after as much as an hour of singing and rocking.   You cannot get The Boy to go back to sleep unless you take him back to bed with you, and if you do that, you will not sleep well.

Tonight, your husband got home from work at almost 9.  He has an important presentation to give tomorrow.    You are not working tomorrow, but you worked today and you are exhausted.

The Boy wakes up at 2 am.  His cries cannot be ignored.

What do you do?

Comments

[Julie]

Hi there.

Long time, no post.

I can't believe you are 32 weeks already. Wow!

Anyway, I know this isn't a quick fix for the sleep issues, but have you seen this??

http://sleeplady.com/

Good luck!

P.S. Who had grand jury duty?

[Leigha]

My 28 month old is doing the same thing...and I, too, am 32 weeks pregnant with my second baby. We both work full time, so we take turns unless I'm just too exhausted to get up, at which point I push on my husband's face until he gets up.

Not that I recommend that in your situation, but it works for me.

Anyways, we've been doing the sleep training thing again - check on him in five minute intervals, then ten, then fifteen...his nighttime waking has reduced since we started this, making me think that there is possibly something behind the sleep training theory. Also, we've started using white noise all night long, and he's sleeping better than he did previously, but that could just be my son. In the situation that I just mentioned, I'd probably be the one to suck it up and get up with him.

[Emma Jane]

As someone who's living this too (specifics of complicating factors different, of course, but work and health are always the big ones): I'd need to know a couple more nights of history before making a judgment!

But I also think that you should get to pick some point during pregnancy---and 32 weeks is pretty far along, for me it was when I was tiredest, I think because I was still trying to get everything done---after which it's his problem .

[Leah]

Honestly - and I'm in the same boat; I'd get up with the Boy ONLY because of husband's busy day the next (and mine not)...otherwise, I'd poke at my husband until he got up to soothe the baby. I'm 33 weeks and EXHAUSTED by work, home, husband away, 16 mo old BUSY boy and surly 15 yo daugher.

[swissmiss]

I'd bring him into bed - I don't sleep either when my guy is in our bed but everybody else does, so I figure my Family Net Happiness (FNH) goes up even if my Individual Happiness (IH) goes down and in general FNH trumps IH, sadly. From what I understand The Boy has been a good sleeper and this is an abberation, albeit one that's been going on for too long for comfort for you, so I'd just go for the easiest possible solution. But I also agree strongly with Emma Jane - you need to negotiate a point at which your physical rest becomes top priority so that you're in decent shape for the delivery.

And hugs.

[MotherLawyer]

I can never tell when I will HIT THE WALL and send in DH. It just happens. But Daddy doesn't do in the middle of the night, so it's mostly pointless anyway. SIGH.

Given your scenario, I'd probably drag my arse across the hall and get stern.

Did you know that a tired mommy can be mean in the middle of the night? Scary mean! Seriously. Mine wakes up 90% of the time out of habit, so long as he is not sick he gets the "time to be quiet" lecture. Rather than the cuddles he thought were coming though I do change his diaper, upon request (smart bugger, always asks for it).

Didn't know I had it in me, but 25 mos straight of waking up at night has gotten OLD! I will cuddle and love you all you want if you are sick or had a bad dream, but I do not wish to visit with you at 1:30 and 2:30 and 3:30 b/c you are cute!

[Kristin]

Harden my heart and recommit myself to CIO. (One brief comfort upon first waking --no picking up!-- and every 15 minutes thereafter.)

[Amanda]

Wow! 32 weeks. Where has the time gone? I remember the exhaustion at that point, and god bless you for being 32 weeks pregnant with a 20-month old. I have a 20-month old who sometimes sleeps through and sometimes doesn't. I opt for the bringing to bed, despite the fact that I end up sleeping on my nightstand (well my head anyway) because I keep getting pushed by the toddler. I nudge hubby sometimes to get her, but I know his work schedule and with a presentation or something like that I know that sleep is important.

The lack of sleep in our house appears to be due to new teeth cutting. As in the past once they cut through she sleeps fine. Maybe the same thing going on with you?

Good luck!

[AmyinMotown]

You mean other than utter a curse word as I hie my sorry ass out of bed?

I think, because your husband worked the next day and you didn't, it should have been you, because (theoretically at least) you could nap the next day. However, once you get a little closer to your due date, I'd say husband takes over baby duty.

[Amy]

My daughter, also 20 months, has been doing the exact same thing. My husband sleeps in the closet where it's quite. You might recommend that.

[Carla Hinkle]

Umm, I think that husband's work presentation the next day would trump and I would drag myself to the kid.

I would also bring the kid to bed with me and then put on my TV headphones, figuring if I'm not going to sleep, at least the kid will, and I can watch some great stuff saved up on the Tivo.

At 20 months I would also be inclined to get tough on the sleeping issues ... but not right then in the middle of the night.

My sympathies ...

[liz]

Husband's presentation trumps, I think.

That said, I'd probably dose the 20 mo with some baby tylenol or motrin and orajel and tuck him back into bed.

[liz]

And feel guilty about it later.

[ValleyGal]

Husband with big presentation wins, especially because you don't have to work the next day. I'd probably even take the kid to the guest room to sleep. My kid, though, won't sleep anywhere but his crib or his carseat, so if he's up, I'm up. Have you considered an air mattress on the floor of his room? Maybe you'd be able to get some rest co-sleeping if there was more space for you?

[kathleen999]

Husband with presentation wins, only because you might be able to catch a nap the next day. My DH also has health issues which keep me on the night watches. He does relieve me when I just am too exhausted to keep going though. And I work full time (or more) and we have twins. So there has been a lot of getting up. We are at 28 months and it seems to be finally calming down.

I agree that you need to pass off the all night duty soon and then you can relieve him on occasion when he needs it. It's just about time to start that, I can remember being so tired and uncomfortable.

[AnotherSarah]

Well, here's a scenario if you have a comfy couch in the living room:
Either hubby gets the comfy couch and you get more space on the bed with the little crabass. Or you get the comfy couch with a little nest made up on the floor below for boy-o. For some reason, this is really popular with both my kids. An added attraction for the really, insanely sleepless night -- the TV is right there, across from the couch with Kids13 on all night long (channel 714 on TWC.)

[cat]

I would hide for at least 10 minutes with my head deep in the pillows. Praying that someone else would get up besides me. My husband would probably be doing the exact same thing. He would win... I would rise from those delicious pillows from the sheer guilt of that damn presentation the next day.

May just this once the boy sleep peacefully through the night and let you all rest.

[Moxie]

You are pregnant.

Your husband gets the boy.

[Sara]

I agree with Moxie.

In our case, we switch nights. It does not matter what is going on the next day - "IT'S YOUR NIGHT!!" is often heard in our house. (Well, only because he snores happily through her crying, if she wakes, and I have to wake him.)

Now, Ainsley has been sleeping through the night 99% of the time, but once in a blue moon, she wakes at like 4 am. Since she goes to bed so early, I am a bad Mommy and I just give her a cup and rock her and send her back to bed, even if takes a little crying. She doesn't sleep with me well and we sure as hell don't sleep with her well, so . . . . she stays where she is at, barring any illness or teething drama that is keeping her up. There have been many mornings I just get up and make coffee and we are sadly, up before the sun. 2 am is an entirely different scenario, though. I wish sometimes I could turn the monitor off, don't you? I just can't.

Do you think something is bothering him? Or could it be that he knows someone is going to go get him?

[Linda]

OOOh I had this exact same issue with my 20 month old- except my husband worked midnights so there was no choice but for me to deal with it. I say deal with his wakenings by going in once, reassure him, tell him you'll leave the door open and tell him you're going back to your own bed alone- good night! It only gets worse when the newborn comes so deal with him now while there is only one.
I foolishly brought my 20 month old into bed with me until the newborn was 8 weeks- I was completely sleep deprived and a little bit psychotic. Then I got tough and told him it was time to sleep in his own bed all night so Mama could be happy in the morning. It was a long three nights- and then it was resolved. Not fun at all- Thank God my second son slept through the night 7pm-7am by five months or I would have been really crazy.
Good Luck, it sucks, but it too shall pass...

[Karen]

Oh my gosh. I don't know how you cope! Probably, I'd walk off a bridge, but I don't recommend that course of action.

[Toni]

I'm going with DH gets Boy and you sleep. You have to take care of him the next day - DH can have coffee. :)

I got up with both my girls until I was done nursing. Then I told my hubby that it was his turn. :)

[Tertia]

What you should do: CIO

What I would do: Put him in the bed with me. Some sleep is better than no sleep.

What you shouldn't do: Send DH in there (he is working tomorrow)

I think you should try some CIO before #2 arrives.

Having said that, I haven't been brave enough to do it again recently.

Good luck!

xx

[Anon]

DH gets up. Home by 9 is pretty early in NYC, and he can practice his presentation for the boy -- which will probably get him back to sleep lickety split. I'm a working mother and I do night duty 90% of the time -- whatever presentation I have the next day -- for the simple reason that I can get the baby (and myself) back to sleep faster.

[Megan]

I was thinking about this as I walked around today, sleep deprived as usual (1-year old sick twins), and see that Moxie has already stated my thoughts exactly. You are gestating, 24 hours a day, and probably already not sleeping all that well. A few hours with the boy, while not easy, don't compare to the night duty that you're on. Wishing you all some sleep, soon...

[Elle]

In the event my husband had a big thing the next day I would cut him some slack and bring the boy into bed with me, or go to him. Not sure what's behind his night wakings, especially if it's been going on for weeks? That really tough.

[Just Me]

I'm not in the middle of this sleep thing right now - or I should say the SAME sleep thing. My son is now 7 and daughter, 4. Neither go to sleep on their own if I'm home. I have to lie down with them to get them to sleep. They share a room, with a bunk bed. And when mommy's home, only mommy can do the bedtime routine. So, DD's on the lower bunk, and put her to sleep first, usually. DS is on top, so I climb up there with him after she's asleep. Sometimes before, if he whines enough. I'm an example of really terrible parenting. I couldn't make myself do CIO. We did the family bed. Purposefully and defiantly. Eventually I considered it, when nursing to sleep didn't work anymore. I was ambivalent about CIO as most moms are, but dad felt it was cruel (because HE wasn't the one who had to put the boy to sleep!). Of course he no longer feels that way, but we're totally behind the 8-ball now. This is my nightmare. Please learn from my mistake. Sleep train as early as possible (I don't mean 2 days old, but a few months). You will be much better off and so will the baby. Before baby learns how to stand up in the crib and shake the bars like a jailbird. How to climb out of the crib. How to leave the room. I never did it. I regret it. Good luck. It's a challenging road. Hat's off to you!

[kristine]

I'd let him cry. But I'm mean (and well rested). They don't do it forever if you can suffer through a few rough nights. He's old enough to sleep through the night and if I were you I'd get tough now before that new one comes along and they tag team you into a sleepless stupor.