Four years ago tomorrow I started this blog. Things were not good. I had been trying to get pregnant for almost two years and had begun seeing an RE--Clomid hadn't worked and a laparoscopy hadn't discovered anything useful. I was beginning to think that I would never be successfully pregnant. And I could think of nothing else.
Infertility was every insecurity in my life writ large: I couldn't get pregnant because I was overweight or because I hadn't truly established myself professionally or because I still had unresolved issues with my family or because there was just something wrong with me, some reason I wouldn't or couldn't or shouldn't be a parent. These weren't thoughts I had ever or have ever had about another person struggling to build a family, but I couldn't help connecting them with my own situation.
Ultimately, I did find a path to parenthood: 3 failed IUIs, 3 early losses, one Factor V Leiden mutation diagnosis, and one IVF cycle later, I was a mother. Compared to the struggles of my infertile blogging friends, it was a walk in the park.
With the birth of my son, a cloud lifted, but did not entirely disappear: every stumbling block I hit as a parent there was a voice in the back of my head. "See, you were never meant to be a mother," it whispered to me when The Boy wouldn't sleep or wouldn't eat or wouldn't talk.
That voice has gotten quieter, but it's still there--after the surprise of The Girl, after The Boy began to sleep and eat and say, "I love you, Mommy," after I began to trust my own intuition (sometimes) over the advice of Dr. Spock. That voice is the reason why I continue to blog.
I haven't been as present here as I would like to be. I hope to be here more and to spruce things up with a new look. Until then, I thank you for reading. Your companionship--though comments, emails, and so many wonderful blogs--has been an enormous source of strength.
Finally, with apologies to the Cowboy Junkies, I thank my husband, my son, and my daughter for the life I could not have imagined four years ago:
And I don't know how I survived those days
Before I held your hands
Well I never thought that I would be the one
To admit that the moon and the sun
Shine so much more brighter when
Seen through four pairs of eyes than
When seen through just one
Omigod, they're so beautiful! The Girl's cheeks are positively edible!
(And you're pretty too! :))
Posted by: Lisa | January 18, 2008 at 04:09 PM
What a beautiful family. :)
Happy bloggiversary!
Posted by: electriclady | January 18, 2008 at 04:21 PM
Just beautiful...thanks for letting us peek in!
Posted by: Bobbi | January 18, 2008 at 04:33 PM
What a beautiful family! And more beautiful for what you had to go through to get them. This post made me cry, especially the Anniversary Song reference--it sums up really well how I feel about my own little crew.
I just realized it was right about four years ago now I discovered the Barren Bitches Brigade. It's not exaggerating to say it helped save me.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | January 18, 2008 at 04:38 PM
Happy Anniversary! What a lovely family you've got there.
Posted by: amanda | January 18, 2008 at 05:33 PM
Absolutely adorable - all three of you! It's nice to have a face to the face in my mind :)
I found you just prior to the IVF...and was shocked along with you with the Girl. And I'm thankful that I could share in these events and happy moments with you.
Here's to another 4 years!
Posted by: Toni | January 18, 2008 at 08:57 PM
Look at that! You! I've been reading your blog since I've been reading blogs and I'm oh-so-glad to see you.
Posted by: Suz | January 18, 2008 at 11:56 PM
ah at last a picture, you all look lovely. Thanks for sharing. Happy ANniversary.
Posted by: thalia | January 19, 2008 at 04:04 AM
Wow, a pic! What a great looking family! I love having a face to go with the blogger!
You know, you were the first IF blog I read...maybe the first blog altogether. My husband sent me the link to your blog while we were going through SIF (we now have our IVF baby Max.) You have helped me feel that I was not alone and I thank you for that. As long as you blog, I'll read.
Katrina
formerly "We Dream of Baby"
Posted by: Katrina | January 19, 2008 at 06:11 AM
Happy Anniversary! I will never forget discovering your blog -- we were in the exact same place in our fertility struggle and now 4 years later, we remain in almost the exact same place! How odd (and wonderful). I'm so thankful that you have been able to share your journey with all of us.
P.S. Oh, those cheeks! That smile! What a beautiful family.
Posted by: Monica | January 19, 2008 at 07:37 AM
Happy Anniversary!!! I LOVE your picture--thank you so much for posting it!!!
I almost cried reading your post because I also struggle with that little voice that started during the infertility days. I started reading your blog (which has always been the only one I've ever read) when I was starting Clomid...a few failed IUI's and a failed IVF later I filed adoption papers and got pregnant. My daughter was then born a few months after The Boy. Throughout the infertility years (almost 2 for me too) and the pregnancy, you were a godsend.
Thank you for having the guts and heart to be honest about how challenging this whole motherhood gig can be! I'm so happy to hear that you're sticking around!!!
ps: hope you're gearing up for the return of Battlestar!
Posted by: Jill | January 19, 2008 at 08:15 AM
Happy anniversary, and may I say, what a lovely family you make.
Posted by: midlife mommy | January 19, 2008 at 08:52 AM
Happy Anniversary! [wipes tears away] You've created a wonderful family.
Posted by: Susan | January 19, 2008 at 09:01 AM
It is so lovely to finally see you! Was just telling Julie the other day that you are one of my favourite bloggers.
xx
Posted by: Tertia | January 19, 2008 at 09:21 AM
Awwww! All three of you are POSITIVELY BEAUTIFUL! I am very happy for you and your hubby.
Also? I want to bite the Girl's cheeks. And when did the boy turn into such a little man?
Seriously, congrats.
Posted by: Christine | January 19, 2008 at 09:31 AM
Happy Anniversary!
Posted by: cat | January 19, 2008 at 01:37 PM
Happy Anniversary!
So nice to see all of you!
I'm so happy that you continue to share your life as a mom, the ups and the downs, with all of us.
Posted by: JulieB | January 19, 2008 at 02:20 PM
I've been reading since about the time the boy was born and I'm so happy to see a photo of all of you! What a beautiful family! You should definitely keep writing.
Posted by: R | January 19, 2008 at 05:08 PM
Congratulations on your blogiversary! I'm so glad to get the chance to "see" you and the kids. Thank you for putting yourself out there year after year; you have always been one of my staple reads.
Posted by: Tonya | January 20, 2008 at 01:59 AM
Looks like a happy family to me ... and that takes a good mom to accomplish. Tell the Voice to go F itself.
Thanks for sharing the pix.
Posted by: Paz | January 20, 2008 at 08:41 AM
Happy Anniversary. Long time lurker who has always enjoyed your blog and understood because I've been down a similar path. Your family is beautiful!
Posted by: Karen | January 20, 2008 at 09:19 AM
what a beautiful peak at your family! Thanks!
Posted by: Karen | January 20, 2008 at 11:52 AM
Snow falls in Brooklyn? :-)
I had a similar journey myself. It's amazing how life changes in a (relatively) short time!
Happy blogiversary to you.
Posted by: Kate | January 20, 2008 at 09:57 PM
Gorgeous--all three of you!
Honored to have shared the "ride" with you lo these past few years. Happy blogoversary!
Posted by: Dee | January 21, 2008 at 12:06 AM
Happy Anniversary!! You are beautiful and so are the kiddos ... picture perfect!!
((Hugs))
Posted by: Amy | January 21, 2008 at 12:17 AM
Happy anniversary from another long-time reader. You helped me when I was going through first IUI then IVF and now you are helping me wrap my head around the concept of two-under-two.
Your family is gorgeous! Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Jennifer | January 21, 2008 at 06:24 AM
Happy Anniversary! Congratulations on such a beautiful family!
Posted by: Heather | January 21, 2008 at 08:59 AM
Oh my gosh, you guys are all so cute! Thanks for sharing that and everything else with us. Glad to be along for the ride.
Posted by: snickollet | January 21, 2008 at 09:38 AM
I love that song . . . and this post was just beautiful, complete with the perfect picture. You are an amazing writer, mother, and inspiration.
:-) Thank you . . . .
Posted by: Sara | January 21, 2008 at 09:53 PM
Happy Anniversary!
(And I join previous posters in wondering whether you'll be serving the Girl's cheeks as refreshments? Because yum! And I wouldn't mind a little nibble of the Boy, either.)
Posted by: Slim | January 22, 2008 at 12:02 PM
Dear God, I have that voice in my head too ... about everything. I need to make it stop.
Love the picture!!
Posted by: Rebekah | January 23, 2008 at 01:17 PM
Hi, and thanks, for the beautiful beautiful photo and all of your writing and sharing these past 4 years. I, too, found the infertility blogosphere through you (I think I was doing a google search on Oprah and infertility!) and I cannot imagine the past 3+ years without it. Happy Anniversary!
Posted by: Megan | January 23, 2008 at 03:18 PM
Wow, a picture! What a beautiful family. We have had somewhat parallel paths and it has been so great to be able to share the experience, even though we've never met. Thank you for blogging and happy blogiversary!
Posted by: Jenn (dish) | January 23, 2008 at 03:25 PM
Lookit that gorgeous family! It's so nice to see all of you. Happy Blogiversary.
Your voice is one I always look forward to reading. Keep it coming, however often you want.
Posted by: millie | January 23, 2008 at 06:15 PM
Goodness, how time flies!
And what a pleasure to see the Brooklyn Girl family -- thank you for sharing that photo with all of us!
Take care, BG.
Posted by: Anna H. | January 24, 2008 at 05:44 PM
Your blog means so much to me. I now have my own boy (27 months) & girl (4 months), so much I can relate to your situation. We didn't have quite the same infertility issues. But, my age was a scary factor (now 41) and I struggle with my weight as well. We go through a lot of the same struggles with the kiddos around the same time that you do.
Thanks for sharing your lives with us! Please continue & thanks for the picture!
Posted by: Gracie | January 25, 2008 at 01:56 PM
*sniff* what a gorgeous family! enjoy them muchly. and happy anniversary! (i am typing in all lowercase because my little darling is pulling at my hand going "mama, no!" sigh. life is good.
Posted by: Mardougrrl | January 25, 2008 at 04:34 PM
Such a gorgeous family.
Congrats on all you've accomplished and thanks for letting us come along for the ride.
Posted by: Sherry | January 26, 2008 at 01:23 AM
Happy belated blogiversary. What a beautiful family you have. :)
Posted by: Teenuh | January 28, 2008 at 03:25 AM
happy anniversay! i've been reading since my second failed IVF, and now have a two-year old from round III. during one of my most trying days as i blubbered at my keyboard during IVF II i emailed you personally, and you responded with such support. i'll never forget that day...tho i've moved from nyc to small town and life is so different now, still lurking and reading. thanks for the support -- and the laughs! wish you all the best.
Posted by: michelle | January 29, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Happy Bloggiversary! Thanks for sharing it all with us.
Posted by: Bella | January 31, 2008 at 02:51 PM