I got my period over the weekend and for the first time in six years that means...absolutely nothing. I'm not digging out the thermometer or the pee sticks. I'm not calling the RE or filling my prescriptions for Clomid or Lupron.
Once upon a time, without any planning or forethought, I imagined that I would have three children. I came from a two child family and when I was growing up, I admired the chaos and energy of larger families.
Now, well...I'm not ready to give up wondering about another child altogether, but I'm too consumed by my life right now to think about that very much. It's like Tom Hanks' character at the end of Cast Away, carrying around the bottles of water with him regardless of whether he's actually thirsty. Having gone without the water for so long, he still needs to know it's there.
With my history, staring down the barrel of 39, I don't know if my fertility is still there. If I wake up tomorrow and decide that having another child is what I want most in the world, I don't know whether it will be possible.
So, perhaps getting my period doesn't mean nothing. Maybe it means maybe. Someday. Maybe.
It definitely means something different to you at this moment in time. But it doesn't sound like the all-important start of the cycle that signifies the Next Step. I envy that!
I'm bracing myself for the start of trying again in a few months... and probably going through treatments again...
Posted by: caramama | March 31, 2008 at 09:09 PM
Must be what it's like to be normal, to get a period have it trigger thoughts no deeper than "I wonder how many Tampax are left in the box?" and worries no more terrifying than "damn, I hope I don't have to go to CVS today."
I'm *almost* to that point. Almost.
Posted by: Summer | April 01, 2008 at 09:28 AM
Hmm, well.
Uh, what about the girl, she certainly needed no assistance to be conceived. It seems like your biggest issue in adding to your family (if the girl is a harbinger of enhanced fertility) is getting a bigger living space.
Isn't it odd that infertility is such an invasive mindset that no matter what has happened between it and now, it still casts a pall.
Posted by: Sarah | April 03, 2008 at 07:26 PM
I feel like I'm living a similar story I just got my period today. I have 2 beautiful healthy children and have always wanted a third - I 've had 3 miscarriages, been diagnosed with PCOS and completed (as of today) my first unsuccessful attempt at fertility meds. I am 38 and discouraged. I'm disappointed but just not that surprised any more with the way things seem to be going. Any advice?
Posted by: KKB | April 30, 2009 at 02:45 PM