The Bad Place

Things are not good.  The Girl is not bouncing back from her illness as one might hope.   She still has almost no appetite (and the nursing, while constant, is desultory) and she's very fussy.  She has a random fever that comes and goes--usually in the middle of the night--and though it responds to Motrin, its continued existence is unsettling.   My Google M.D.  suggests maybe a  bladder infection so we're jumping through the hoops to test for that, but today's hoop ended with a leaking specimen collection bag.   There are no words to express the frustration.

The Boy is on spring break from school and is way under-stimulated, pissed off  about the special treatment his sister has been getting, and going through a new and improved version of the Terrible Twos.   Over the weekend while we were out running some errands, he dashed in the open door of an upmarket grocery store, toppled a display of fruit, and then dashed back out of the store and took off down the sidewalk (to my shame, I was so desperate to make sure he didn't run into the street that it didn't occur to me to drag him back to the store and make him pick up the fruit).

And then there's the goddamn freelancing--and yes, I know I haven't been at this long enough to have earned the right to complain, but so be it.  I spent the time I should have spent working today at the pediatrician and will spend the time I should spend working tomorrow there as well (or at least a sizable chunk of it).   There just aren't enough hours in the day to get it all done so I'm doing a crappy job, and since the whole point of working was to have something about which I feel competent, well, I wonder what the hell I'm doing. 

People do this all the time--have jobs, have families, have some semblance of their sanity--why the hell can't I figure it out?

Comments

[Carla Hinkle]

I'm sorry things are so crappy. Sick babies are awful -- they feel awful and so do we.

Preschoolers with spring break is such a joke. My 4 year old is on vacation this week too. That's the last thing she needs! I think the teachers should just get vacation and rotate or something.

Don't be too hard on yourself about the work. You are trying to squeeze something in for yourself but don't really have the structure for it -- my childcare not infrequently breaks down (well, a few times a year) when work picks up. It happens to the best of us. Hang in there!

[swissmiss]

I'm sorry you're in a bad place. It's awful when they're sick, there's just so little we can do and it throws everybody off. Hang in there.

[Kath]

I'm so sorry the Girl is still unwell -- I hope she feels better very, very soon. And I'm sorry the Boy is picking now to act up, though it's understandable...

But most of all, I just wanted to say you're not the only one who can't figure it out. I've been freelancing for more than five years, but since my daughter's birth seven months ago I ask myself constantly how others do it. Work is suffering terribly, though not as badly as sleep. And you've got one more child (and a toddler, no less!) to contend with than I do. So you're probably doing much better than you think. Hope things start looking up very soon.

[midlife mommy]

Sorry things are so awful right now. Things get better; they always do. Hugs.

[Jill]

Sick kids just throw the whole thing out of whack. Don't judge how you are doing just yet. You haven't had a chance to really balance it all.

[marie baguette]

The truth is that PEOPLE LIE THROUGH THEIR TEETH. Or they have a full time nanny/ grandmother/ best friend who takes care of the kids. So do not feel guilty. You are doing a terrific job . Parenthood is insane. I was talking with my colleague about how tired I am because my 8-month old still wakes up at night and I have no idea why, and he said that parenthood is much harder than what people say. He used to live in park Slope and he said the pressure his wife felt while living there was insane. I don't know if Carroll Gardens is more laid back but the mums I meet are not competitive at all and bitch happily about sleep patterns, food aversion, etc. Maybe you should move here? :-)

[Erin]

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. It IS hard. I bet many of the mothers you think are doing well with family and career feel they are letting things slide as well. When I started back to work full-time, I had a REALLY hard time. I've been back over 6 months now and I'm just barely starting to feel like I'm treading water. You are not alone.

I hope you figure out what is causing the Girl to still be sick. It's horrible when they are sick.

[Not on Fire]

Everyone has there good days and their bad as a parent. You are going through a transition and of course there will be bumps in the road. It might turn out that the extra works is not for you or it might all settle down and be fine. The trick is not to compare yourself with anyone else.

That said, I hope that it goes better for you.

[Jess]

As we were driving in the car over the weekend (the only time when I'm not working and I don't have to chase my two boys, who are about the same ages as your two kiddos)my husband said to me: "do you think other people are as frazzled as we are?"

You are not alone. The semblance of sanity that others have is the illusion created when you look at it from the outside.

I hope the baby feels better soon.

[Eliza]

People do NOT do it ALL the time. I, for example? Was fine until the third kid hit, then had to quit TEACHING (yes, TEACHING) mid-semester because said third kid got really, really sick and was in the hospital and one week I could have recovered from, but after being home for one day then admitted for the SECOND week? Fuuuuuck. Now, in your case, I'm hoping (and expecting, because I seem to have rare shitty luck) that The Girl's health is troublesome in the short term but ultimately recovers, and The Boy regains his equilibrium, and good times (or at least non-soul-sucking times) resume soonest. In my case, my kid (whose troubles manifested first at THREE WEEKS--do NOT take this to mean that it's even remotely possible you'll end up like me or I'll feel bad when I read about you in the news) was touch-and-go for five months, and still sport a g-tube, is mysteriously anemic, has fallen off the growth charts (as in thirty-one inches long at two and a half years old, although quite chubby so we're getting the calories in, at least), and stumped our geneticist and our GI practice (plus the one in the next major teaching hospital over) as to why. Although clearly it's bad genes; my own health followed and now we're all a bunch of sick and miserable misanthropes, and I haven't worked since the baby was tiny. I used to torture myself with how "everyone" did it and I did not, and the answer is that NOT everyone does it, and when your kid gets sick all bets are off. You prioritize and keep cutting the bottom "thing" off the list until you stop sinking, and as long as you don't end up cutting any children (or, ideally, your husband) you're A-OK in my book. Which yes, as a matter of fact that and five bucks WILL buy you a cup of Starbucks, but at the very least I don't want you to think you're alone in not being able to juggle it all. This is clearly NOT incompetence, it's life-circumstance, and I think it'll get better for you, just maybe not as soon as you'd want it to in an ideal world. Situations like this do not lend themselves to ideal parenting, and forget about career goals--just take care of that baby and keep blogging--the venting always helps ME.

[Dee]

I think others just look like they have it all together. Behind closed doors, it's another story entirely. The same can be said for my house. With all of the hospital stuff we've dealt with since D came along 14 months ago, my work has suffered tremendously. I'm still struggling, and I imagine I will be until both kids are in elementary school...when hopefully a big chunk of the days will be mine again, at least until one of them falls sick.

Sorry the Girl's recovery is still to come. Hang in there BG, you're doing the very best you can.

[electriclady]

I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in 14 months, my apartment is filthy, I've been operating at probably 40% capacity at work ever since going back, and I can't seem to get a moment to myself. And I have a job outside the home and a full-time stay-at-home husband. I can't imagine getting ANY work done as a freelancer with little kids at home. Add in a sick baby and a rambunctious preschooler and that sounds like a perfect storm of "HELP!" to me.

Those people who get it all done AND keep their sanity AND have clean houses and perfect relationships? Lying liars, all of them.

[caramama]

Job = check
Family = check
Sanity = What the heck is that???

It's all just a facade. We're all losing it, too. You aren't alone. Isn't THAT scary?

I'm so sorry the Girl is so sick. I hope she gets better soon!

[MotherLawyer]

If I was doing all this myself you could check me into the funny farm.

The only way I keep all the plates spinning is by paying other folks to spin them for me.

No one can "do it all" by themselves... Don't even think it!

I too hope the Girl is better, soonest.

[Melissa]

Ooooh, so sorry. I have been there, in fact was, at the ER Saturday before last. Those urine sample bags are such bullshit. The ER Dr. insisted on a urine sample so I agreed to allow them to catheterize my 18 month old to get it. I cried. The lab lost the sample so we still have no idea what caused a 104.6 degree fever.

And people don't do it alone. I work part-time and it's amazing how much a sick kid just blows it all to hell.

I hope your daughter is better now, poor thing.

[caro]

Ooooh, I really, really hear you. Sickness throws everything and everyone out of whack, and I don't think you even fully realize how bad the sickness is making it until finally everyone's well and suddenly it's easier. (Still not easy, though, just a slightly less crazy level of hard.)

I ask myself that very same question all the time, too. How do so many people do this? The wisest answer I can give is that apparently I am just as incompetent as you are because I can't figure it out either. But fortunately you have a lot of wiser & better spoken readers who have more encouraging things to say...

[michelle]

BG: hang in there. i only have one 2-yr.-old who sleeps thru the night and hubby cares for her but i work from home telecommuting full-time, and do two freelance jobs on top of that, so each week is a struggle for sanity even in the best of times. b/c i work at home, i'm still wanting to be with the kid during downt time of course, so time is always a juggling act. but if one thing screws up, i'm completely stressed, whether it's one of us being sick, the child going through some transition that makes her fussy, work being totally hectic and deadlines all at once and so on. i always feel the same way: i only have one child and no commute and an awesome spouse, so WHY AM I SO EXHAUSTED? and why do i never get time for myself? and why is the house a mess? how come i STILL can't find time to shower/change clothes every day? and on and on. so hang in there! i think it just comes down to DNA. some people are OK when all heck is breaking loose and they do less than 100% at the job, other's aren't, so constantly feel stressed. we just can't be in 3 places at once, doing everything balls-to-the-wall, so to speak. so try to take a breath and know that you are doing the best you can--which is really all that's important.

[Amy]

Yes, "people do this all the time" but we all feel the way you do at times! What you are attempting to do - be a full-time good parent and part-time good professional is HARD and we all need to just acknowledge it! Hang in there - it sounds like The Girl's sickness is coinciding with a rough phase for The Boy - they will both pass and the skies will clear soon I am sure.

I have never posted a comment here before but wanted to empathize with you on this one and say thanks for the interesting reads I get when I visit.

Amy

[JK]

I'm so with you in the bad place... I'm teaching and my students HATE me because I want them to LEARN something and I'm having them do something new and they HATE ME. I am pretty sure they will learn something.

Anyway... I get your pain. It sucks to want to make it all work .... I think I have some of it figured out, but I'm 6 years into figuring it out.... Also, your little one is so little.... It will get easier.

Take care of you too.

[Paz]

I can't figure out how to balance one child and one business. You are not alone. It is just plain hard.

[snickollet]

Re: achieving balance, here's how I do it: an elaborate fantasy world.

Seriously.

I'm all about "fake it 'til you make it." I fake it for a while, have a huge meltdown, fake it some more, melt down . . . I'm not saying this is good or wise or smart, but it's the only way I know how.