Apologies for not posting last week, but I was trapped under two snotty children and one large freelance project, but today the snot is receding and the project is done. Done. Done. Done.
The work thing, well, I still don't know. I don't think I'm doing very good work, whether because of lack of time, focus, or actual skill (the work in question is copyediting). Then again, I have always been pretty hard on myself in terms of work product. Back in school, I was the annoying girl who walked out of a test proclaiming that she'd failed it only to learn later that she'd actually gotten a 93. Not that a 93 is perfect, but it's not failing. The thing is: it wasn't manufactured concern--I actually did think I had failed--and it didn't matter how many times I repeated the cycle; the concern was always the same.
With work, I've rarely finished a project and sat back to bask in the glow of a job well done. I almost always feel I've been inadequate in some way--even when I've had unlimited time. Now that my time is strictly rationed, I feel even worse. When I wrote about this before, several of you chimed into remind me of the joys of doing a half-assed job, and I'm trying to embrace that, but it's hard because I'm only just trying to establish myself as a freelancer and most of my work has come through friends who I don't want to hang out to dry with my less than stellar work.
Alas.
*****
For mother's day I took myself out for some long overdue bra shopping, with a proper fitting and the whole thing. Good Lord. We don't need to get into my newly determined bra size, but I will confess that I didn't realize this particular size actually existed.
I know what you mean, unfortunately. Can you say "G"?
Posted by: midlife mommy | May 12, 2008 at 12:40 PM
I was that same "I'm sure I failed" girl. And--eep--now I am that same "I'm sure this project is crap" woman. Got any good tricks for quitting that attitude? Since adolescence, I feel I've moved from perfectionistic self-hatred to just ordinary perfectionism. Progress, right?
Posted by: caro | May 12, 2008 at 02:20 PM
The letter G is one with which I am familiar. So is H. I ended up wearing size F because I could not locate a G or an H.
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | May 12, 2008 at 03:25 PM
Totally with you on the freelance work uncertainty - the making money and using your brain a bit part is great, but the feeling of not being able to do a job properly is not a good one. And I am sure that you're doing a better job than you think. Enjoy the break, for now!
Posted by: Megan | May 12, 2008 at 06:53 PM
I actually went back and read the comments on that other post -- I don't think anyone was saying you should try to make yourself feel good about putting in only half-assed effort! You are obviously giving life (including work) everything you've got -- it just so happens that to a person with 2 kids, limited childcare, and freelance work, your "all" just can't stretch far enough.
I do know what you mean about beating yourself up, though ... I used to do that all the time (still do to some extent). I'm sure that as you get more experience with your new line of work you'll feel better about it.
And Hooray! for new bras.
Posted by: Carla Hinkle | May 12, 2008 at 08:12 PM
I came home from my fitting that one day and told my husband the size I measured as. When he asked me what the "G" stood for, one option was "G-ddamn, them's some big boobs!"
Posted by: Dee | May 12, 2008 at 11:25 PM
I understand how you feel being so hard on yourself. And I used to hate it if I left a test feeling like I had aced it - I did bad on those ones. Whenever I felt like I failed, I really aced it. Whatever. I'm sure you do great work!
Posted by: Heather | May 15, 2008 at 07:51 PM
I worked my a** off so I would feel like I didn't fail in the class I taught this semester at [local state] university...
Unfortunately, I am so frickin' exhausted now and I'm not sure it was worth it... I definitely worked a LOT harder than the students did.... I'm taking a break from teaching and going back to my "day job." (Seriously. I reduced my hours at my day job to teach. Now I'll just be at day job! Woo-hoo! I'm going to take a little time off to recover from teaching too.)
Posted by: JK | May 15, 2008 at 11:37 PM
Ooops.... I didn't mean to make my comment to you all about me.... I'm sure, despite what you think, you did a great job. Let us know what they say!
Posted by: JK | May 15, 2008 at 11:38 PM