I had the best of intentions when the new year began. I was going to blog early and often. I was going to update my look and my links. I was going to COMMUNICATE.
But then, well, then I sank into a funk. The Boy hit 3.5 years with a vengeance and though Moxie and Ames & Ilg assure me his vicissitudes are normal, they are soul crushing and exhausting. Earlier this week, when he wouldn’t leave the sledding hill (after much sturm and drang), I threatened to throw his sled into the street to be destroyed by oncoming traffic. It was a parenting high point.
I feel like a huge flop as a mother in almost every interaction with The Boy, and I’m so angsty about that that I don’t spend nearly enough Quality Time with The Girl who is growing up adorably and all too quickly. And I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I find myself longing, incredibly, for another child. It’s unspeakable, really. I feel like I’m barely capable of managing the children I have, and yet there I am daydreaming about another.
This cauldron of emotions is difficult to blog through when combined with this other (incredibly obvious) thing: I’m just not BrooklynGirl anymore. I’m not living in Brooklyn. With less than a year to go to my fortieth birthday, it's absurd to refer to myself as a girl.
I am thankful for the refuge this blog and this identity has provided me in the five years (!) that it has existed, but I think it’s time to close up shop. I plan to resurrect myself as soon as I can figure out who I am. Or what I want to be. Or how to write about that journey.
Thanks for your friendship and support. I’ll post a new URL here when I have one, and I hope you'll stay in touch.
In Those Years
In those years, people will say we lost track
of the meaning of we, of you
we found ourselves
reduced to I
and the whole thing became
silly, ironic, terrible:
we were trying to live a personal life
and, yes, that was the only life
we could bear witness to
But the great dark birds of history screamed and plunged
into our personal weather
They were headed somewhere else but their beaks and pinions drove
along the shore, through rages of fog
where we stood, saying I
~ Adrienne Rich
Oh, non-Brooklyn non-Girl, do let us know where to find you!
I love that you used the expression "sturm and drang" to describe The Boy's fit on the sledding hill. I think next time Riley pitches a fit, I'll have to say, "Enough sturm and drang from you, already!" It will keep me amused rather than angry, I hope.
Sending many warm thoughts for your metaphysical journey.
Posted by: snickollet | January 23, 2009 at 10:30 AM
As someone who referred to themselves as a former super model, I know sometimes there's a struggle to "keep it real" but to take advantage of a virtual fantasy world, if you will.
I won't think of it as a resurrection. It's an evolution, a growth, and that's always a good thing.
Posted by: DD | January 23, 2009 at 10:48 AM
I've had a lot of parenting high points in the past 7 months myself (since J turned 3). Now that we're coming up on 4, it's easing up some but we still have our days. I'd like to think there's a light at the end of the tunnel but I know there will be another tunnel to go through again soon enough. Such is parenting, yes?
I've had a lot of similar thoughts as you lately (just, you know, without the "Brooklyn" thing 'cause I'm in a different part of the country, lol) and the longing for another? It's there, oh yes, it is. What am I thinking? But thinking I am, acting on it I am not. Life is a tricky ride to figure out.
Keep your chin up--you're doing the best you can. It's been a joy and pleasure sharing this 'trip' with you lo these past 5 (!) years...I'll follow along wherever you go and, hey, we've still got facebook :-)
Posted by: Dee | January 23, 2009 at 10:48 AM
I will miss you!
Posted by: susie | January 23, 2009 at 11:07 AM
Oh yes, let us know where you land!
Posted by: Jill | January 23, 2009 at 11:55 AM
When H was 3.5, I often stayed in the house for days at a time because I just couldn't deal with the inevitable public tantrums. It's a very difficult age. Now that he's 4, things are much easier (not easy, of course, but easier). I think you'll get some of your mojo back in the next few months. I'm sad to see BrooklynGirl go, but I look forward to your new blog. Will you consider twitter in the meantime???
Posted by: Monica | January 23, 2009 at 12:07 PM
I'll miss you and your blog.
Posted by: Courtney | January 23, 2009 at 12:19 PM
I'll miss you here but be waiting eagerly for your new URL. There are days when I feel like I'm barely managing my two and yet can follow that up with a discussion about when we'll start our next adoption without a second thought. (If I think about it for a second, I realize how insane we are.) So I completely get it. Lots of virtual support from Atlanta!
Posted by: Erin | January 23, 2009 at 12:27 PM
I too have a 3.5 year old, and it truly is soul crushing. What you mentioned sounds exactly like my experience right now. I'm angry with her most of the time, and I often feel that she is evil and malicious. She refuses to do anything I ask without a huge fight, and then does fun stuff like pulling my hair, cutting my clothes with scissors... you get the point. Know you are not alone.
Posted by: spoiledonlychild | January 23, 2009 at 12:30 PM
My, I'll miss you. Come back SOON.
Posted by: persephone | January 23, 2009 at 12:32 PM
I'll miss you here but will follow you wherever you land. And you'll always be BrooklynGirl to me. :)
Posted by: electriclady | January 23, 2009 at 12:49 PM
Gah! Just like that! Aside from the fact that you drive a certain amount of traffic to my site, you are someone who defined infertility and parenting blogworld for me. It won't be the same without you.
3 is tough over at our place these days as well. The raging, the storming. You're not alone and I've had plenty of immature reactions to it myself.
Let us know where you end up, and promise to end up somewhere!
Book club at my house next month if you are interested...
Posted by: Cat | January 23, 2009 at 01:17 PM
I just have one 2-yr-old and I often feel like a giant flop. I've mostly lurked here, but I have really appreciated your honesty and wit. (and the excellent poetry selections.) please do let us know when you feel like blogging again.
Posted by: jen | January 23, 2009 at 01:59 PM
Oh No! I understand, but I'll miss you. Please keep me informed of your new digs.
Thank you for all of the support you've given me over the last year. A lot of infertilies can't bear to look back and connect with those of us still in struggle. Take care.
Posted by: Sarah | January 23, 2009 at 02:15 PM
You will be missed my BrooklynGirl ... please stay in touch. Alyssa & Madison are closing in on 3.5 and trust me, you are NOT alone ... Hurry back in whatever incarnation you choose, but just hurry ... ((Hugs))
Posted by: Amy | January 23, 2009 at 02:50 PM
I look forward to being with you on this journey. I so enjoy your blog and writing.
I'll be 40 in a few weeks so .....
Come visit me if you want....I need to do a post on my identity crisis.... Sometimes people say they can't tell I am having one, but I am. :-) (Have been for a couple of years now.)
Posted by: Jk | January 23, 2009 at 02:56 PM
My birthday buddy, I still think of myself as a girl. Even though Thomas told me he thought I was 100. :(
I will miss you! Hurry back!
Posted by: taquita/toni | January 23, 2009 at 03:59 PM
You will be missed. And I understand exactly what you are saying, on so many levels. I have never been so happy to celebrate a birthday as I was my daughter's fouth. And so far it IS better--there are still issues, but she's pretty much turned back into the sweet kid I fell in love with. There's hope, on the kid front--as far as the identity crisis front, yeah, still struggling with that one.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | January 23, 2009 at 04:54 PM
More of the same - you will be very, very missed. It's an odd, bittersweet thing, to see these pioneering blog(ger)s move on. You were my first - I googled Oprah and infertility for some reason, and you came up, and with you a whole world that made the unlivable livable for me. Wishing you lots of love, and more good days than hard.
Posted by: Megan | January 23, 2009 at 05:00 PM
Same here - mostly a lurker, but I'll miss you... please do post your new blog :-)
Posted by: Amanda | January 23, 2009 at 05:40 PM
Sigh, I hear you, on all counts. Keep us posted and hang in there through the winter.
Posted by: B mama | January 23, 2009 at 07:07 PM
*mwah*
Thank you for everything here. Please send me a map when you get where you're going.
Posted by: Julie | January 23, 2009 at 08:38 PM
BG, you need to do what is right for you! But if you are indeed goin' away for a little while, I must say you will be sorely missed.
We are all girls, you will always be a girl.
And about another baby...I had mine at 44, granted after many miscarriages. But still. So, I hope if you decide you want more, you get your wish.
I feel sad and I won't say goodbye. Read ya soon.
Be well.
Posted by: Paz | January 23, 2009 at 09:51 PM
let us know where to find you!!
Posted by: kris | January 23, 2009 at 10:39 PM
I'm feeling the same way about 2.5 - it's just a hard age for us. Ugh.
I'll be waiting to visit you in your new digs wherever/whenever that may be...
Posted by: cass | January 24, 2009 at 12:04 AM
Waaaaaaaaaaa....
Come back soon.
Posted by: Christine | January 24, 2009 at 10:22 PM
I've not always commented on your posts, but I'm always delighted to see them. From one former Brooklyn girl to another, please keep in touch.
Posted by: Rebeccah | January 25, 2009 at 12:15 PM
I had to pick up my almost-three-year-old off the ground at Chuck E. Cheese the other day, sling her over my shoulder (my poor back) and carry her kicking and screaming out of there before someone called Child Protective Services on me. We are suddenly having a hard time transitioning from one activity to another, especially when it means she has to stop doing something she likes to do.
Please come back soon, updated, rejuvenated, and ready to update us. Will miss you!
Posted by: Sara | January 25, 2009 at 12:30 PM
I hear you on the soul crushing exhaustion and on the desire for more when I cant cope with what I have and fly off the handle endlessly. I've decided to believe those who have gone there before and who say it will pass.
I'm relatively new here but i will miss what you have to say as BrooklynGirl but will look forward to your new place when you get there.
Posted by: Betty M | January 25, 2009 at 02:57 PM
*raises hand* flopper here too... we all feel completely unprepared for the roles we have taken on. trudge on sister. someday they will hopefully thank us for caring enough to lose our minds over them.
Posted by: cat | January 25, 2009 at 04:32 PM
I will miss you very much!
Posted by: Nods | January 25, 2009 at 08:38 PM
Missing you already!
I hear you on the 3.5 yr old behavior. It floors me on a daily basis, I end up overreacting, and then I feel like shit. As most have said, I'm told it passes, but it sure does suck right now.
Can't wait to catch up with you in the new space. Take care.
Posted by: Jenn (dish) | January 26, 2009 at 12:59 PM
I've read you for ... hmm, since before your pregnancy with the Boy, but never commented. I was going through IVF and multiple miscarriages when I found you, and can't quite believe I have my own boy (2.5) and girl (10 months) these days. Thanks for keeping me company on my journey. I'll miss your writing, and wish you the best.
Posted by: ruthie | January 26, 2009 at 11:05 PM
Please don't stay away too long! I will miss you. And, 40 is not so bad. The thing is, wherever you are inside is where you'll stay, regardless of what your body does. I'm 27 inside, even though the calendar belies that claim.
Take care, and I look forward to reading you soon.
Posted by: midlife mommy | January 27, 2009 at 06:20 AM
Yours was the first infertility/parenting blog I ever read--stumbled onto it in 2004 when I Googled something like "Brooklyn parent," after the shock of my first pregnancy test. I was living in Park Slope at the time, and used to figure I'd run into you and your little ones at the Tot Lot eventually. Anyway, I'm in L.A. now--with two little ones running around--and just wanted to thank you for your blog. It, along with the other gems in your blogroll, opened up a whole new world for me. Don't hide out forever!
Posted by: Nikki | January 27, 2009 at 12:21 PM
brooklyngirl, good luck on your new journey and i'll check in again to see where it leads you...and thank you for all the support during the tough IVF days, i'll never forget it. :)
Posted by: michelle | January 27, 2009 at 02:12 PM
Another here also parenting two after IVF and approaching 40, who'll miss your thoughts on these and the always close-to-home You Be The Parent... Hope some space helps you clarify where you're at and where you're heading - and that you come back soon :)
Posted by: Anna | January 29, 2009 at 06:06 AM
Ah Brooklyn Girl, it's the end of an era, those of us who were infertile and blogging in the golden age of Get Up Grrl. I'll check back hoping YOUR next big bloggy idea actually materializes!
Posted by: Anne | January 29, 2009 at 08:03 PM
Hurry back. You will be missed.
Posted by: Kristin | January 30, 2009 at 09:47 AM
3.5 years is soul crushing. There is a reason I sent mine to daycare during those years.
But then they turn 5, and 6 and become the coolest people ever. You can have actual conversations, and enjoy them. Just hang on tight until then.
The blogworld will still be here when you get back. Just let Mel or whoever know where you are and we'll come say hi.
Posted by: Aurelia | January 30, 2009 at 10:11 AM
I always looked to you to see what Bear was going to do next (as The Boy is only a couple of days older than my Bear).
I remember the low beta and the shock of being pregnant on your own. And I will always remember all of the funny stories of living in such a small space with so many small people.
Don't give up hope that things will get better. Or on that third child (I did - and then un-gave up and now am expecting my own Boy).
I will miss you.
Posted by: Toni | January 30, 2009 at 02:36 PM
Awwwww. I will miss you! But I totally understand and look forward to the 2.0 version of you! You better inform us all of your new location!
Good luck with The Boy. I'm sure that's a rough age, but luckily it won't last forever. You just have to get through it.
Posted by: caramama | February 08, 2009 at 04:52 PM
Dear Brooklyn Girl,
You were the first blog I EVER READ!
I had just finished a cycle at Cornell (we live in Pittsburgh) and my Hcg was suck-ass and we were told we were going to lose my son.
In despair, my husband googled "Cornell shitty beta" or something like that--and you saved us! We didn't know that there was this whole community of people struggling like we were.
We managed to keep my son with us and he's almost 3. I am actually sitting on the 37th floor of the Helmsley Park Lane overlooking Centyral Park, because we are going to try for #2 at Cornell again.
Anyway, if you ever wonder what you accomplished by blogging, you saved us. we were so scared and isolated and your story helped us and your links introduced us to the wider community online.
Thanks.
Oh, and one day my son was just refusing to eat. I am pretty psycho about healthy eating (my hub had childhood cancer, hence our cornell adventure, and thus i am really, really ocd about what my son eats, and typically he's really good--for instance he loves cauliflower)...anyway, at my wits end, i realised what i could feed him--thanks to one of your posts---tater tots and apple sauce--yea, organic--and he gobbled it all up--and i did end up saying, after 3 servings of applesauce--no, you have to eat more tater tots--and the memory of your post made me smile.
all the best down the road!
Posted by: Renee | February 10, 2009 at 01:13 AM
I keep coming back here hoping to have something worthwhile to say...
The age - it does suck.
I'll miss your writing...please let us know where you end up!
Posted by: bobbi | February 10, 2009 at 11:38 AM
Oh no! Don't move away!!! I will miss you until you come back.
COME BACK. You must. :)
Posted by: Cecily | March 09, 2009 at 08:39 PM
Hope you are well. How are you coping with your first winter in the subs? And of course how has the drama of the preschool set treating you?
Posted by: Nors | March 10, 2009 at 08:38 PM
ok....still waiting to know where to find you!!
Posted by: kris | March 17, 2009 at 09:45 PM
i keep checking back to see if you have landed some place else and let us know.... hope things are going well.
Posted by: kris | April 11, 2009 at 10:30 PM
Ummm...I missed this post somehow. And kept wondering why you weren't posting, and just now finally came here to check in. Whoops! This is sad to see. I hope the next incarnation of BG is on her way. And that things are going well for you these days.
Posted by: caro | April 29, 2009 at 10:08 AM
My boy is also now 3.5 and my girl is 1.5. I have enjoyed reading your blog for the past few years because our kids were similar ages. I remember when you blogged that "the boy now hugs" and my boy was doing the same. Well, guess what? My boy now throws tantrums now too, power struggles, sometimes about wanting to wear gloves in May, sometimes about tape, sometimes about finding something starting with the letter V to bring to preschool......You should start a new blog.
Posted by: Gracie | May 16, 2009 at 10:10 AM
I miss reading about you and your family and your adventures. I'm still trying for a child and reading about your struggles and your children is just such a comfort. I do hope you'll post a new blog link soon!
Posted by: filmgal30 | May 23, 2009 at 04:20 PM
Another baby is just great. All the best.But we will miss you. This is Alice from Israeli Uncensored News.
Posted by: Alice | August 09, 2009 at 12:14 AM